For me, I think of dread. I've been finding out more and more over the past few years that I really struggle with trust. Trusting God. Trusting people. Trusting myself. ... I hate to say it, but I really hate not being in control. I know that every human being on the planet struggles with this to some degree. I guess it's our sinful nature. Sin is so much in opposition to God that it won't let up without a fight ... a HUGE one! And all-out WAR, for crying out loud! ... But I do think some people struggle with trust more than others, and sadly, I'm one of those "some."
Do you ever find yourself praying for change? I've been in a fairly consistent battle with myself about my life. I enjoy what I'm doing and experiencing ... I love dance, my teenagers, and working in such flexible jobs. I love my church and living at home. I love being free to do whatever I want when I want. I love growing in the Lord. All of these things are happening in my life now. But there's still a part of me (that's bigger some days than others) that wants out, wants something new, wants change. I am fairly content ... yet restless at the same time. I am determined to be faithful where I am, with what I'm doing, until God moves me. But I have been praying for God's will to HAPPEN. I've been praying that I would be faithful but that God would bring something new ... a new adventure.
Lately, I've been feeling like that something new is coming - and soon! And isn't it ridiculous? Now that I think it's coming, I'm scared out of my mind! I don't know what the "something" is, mind you. But just the thought of any kind of change scares me. Isn't that dumb? I pray for something, and then when I get it, I freak out? Are you kidding me? ... But it all goes back to that trust thing.
I was sitting in my church's office last night crying, talking to God. I was distraught over the thought that I don't trust Him. My heart was breaking over the matter. As if being God of the Universe wasn't enough ... God reaches down into my life every single day and loves me, teaches me, gives me joy and hope and purpose and strength. God, the biggest, most mighty, most powerful Being in existence takes the time to be in a personal relationship with me. ME. God is eternally faithful to me. And yet, I still do not trust Him. So I was crying out to God last night, telling Him how sorry I am for not trusting Him and asking Him for strength to trust Him, really trust Him, with my entire life.
And then I listened to a sermon by John MacArthur today. So powerful. And I'm just so thankful that God, in all of His faithfulness once again, brings His Truth and Hope (and the real Answer to my lack of faith) to my attention right when I need it. All weekend He's been doing that ... things like, calling my best friend at 1:30am on Sunday morning, having some of the most cherished woman in my life come pray with me, speaking to me through worship and Pastor's sermon on Sunday, having an incredible afternoon with my teenagers and the Calvary kids, sitting in a church office crying, a friend being up for a walk in the park one of these days, a John MacArthur sermon. All of these things are God's faithfulness and care in my life in just one weekend. ... And MacArthur's sermon is just such a great reminder to me ...
I'm sure many Christians wrestle with God's will ... I know I do. And my trust issue makes me want to have "all my ducks in a row" before I do anything, before I step out into something new ... often, no matter how big or small. And MacArthur's sermon really hit me hard. All 5 "S's" that he shared were right on, but the second, being Spirit-filled, was the ONE. And so cool ... because God's been working on me about this for a few weeks now ... through having me dwell on the Fruit of the Spirit and sending me little tuggings of the Holy Spirit in my personal life and even blurbs from books about the Holy Spirit's work in our everyday lives. There He goes again, being faithful to me! ... You see, we must be filled with the Holy Spirit; we must be conscious of the Holy Spirit at work in our lives and follow His leading in order to get rid of our fear, anxiety, anger, bitterness, jealousy ... anything we are struggling with. My trust issue is rooted in fear ... fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of change. Bluck. But if I want to get rid of this fear, I MUST be Spirit-filled. I must be walking closely with the Lord every single day. I must be getting into the Word as much as possible. If I want to build up my trust level, I must be connected to the Holy Spirit at work in my life.
Do you ever forget that? I sure hope I'm not the only one! I just have to keep trying. And I need to do what I also read recently, to "do things afraid." I may be afraid of something, but I need to go for it anyway. Do it afraid. And God will be with me. ... I hope this is encouraging for somebody out there in blogger world. It's just something I'm struggling with and learning ... and planning to overcome! :)