Do you ever think about how fast life is going? Do you ever wonder what you could accomplish if you had all the time in the world, if you didn't get so distracted with silly things, if you were completely unselfish? Do you ever wish you were a more disciplined person?
Over the past few months, I have been in a yearning mood. I might be the most blessed person I know ... I'm not bragging; I'm just being thankful. But at the same time, I want more. Not more stuff. Just ... I want to live more abundantly ... really LIVE to the fullest. I want to be healthy and active ... heck, I'd settle for fitting back into my size 14 jeans again. Dang! Haha! I wanna be a prayer warrior. I wanna grow in my spiritual gifts. I don't know if I have ALL of these, but I sure do have the potential for 'em: administration, encouragement, faith, helps, giving, and hospitality. I wanna serve my husband with all my heart and stay on top of things around the house ... pray for him, say encouraging things to him, pack his lunches, fix his breakfasts, make sure he never runs out of clean underwear, play video games with him, rub his back ... ya know, things that he really appreciates. I wanna be more intentional in all of my relationships ... stay in better touch with my friends, pray more for my friends and my SoZo kids and my family, go to the SoZo-ers' sporting events and music performances, write letters of encouragement to people, smile, and live in thankfulness so that others (and myself) will be uplifted. I wanna go on more walks and look up at the sky and soak up the sun. I wanna cherish my quiet times with the Lord and grow in trust. I wanna trust in the Lord and do good and dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. I wanna honor Jesus, think on His thoughts, thank and praise Him, and just LIVE for Him every second of every day. I want my fulfillment to come from Him alone.
But I think, instead, I condemn myself. I beat myself into the ground day after day because I'm not perfect ... because I am not disciplined ... because I burned a piece of flipping toast! Why do I freak out and hate myself when I burn a piece of garlic bread for my husband's dinner? Why do I cry myself to sleep when I say something that hurts my husband's feelings? And then wake up grouchy the next morning because I feel like the most selfish person on the planet? The list could go on and on, but these are the kinds of things I beat myself up about. Ridiculous, I know. But I don't know how to stop. I've asked God to show me what grace really means. And if I can accept God's grace .... well, maybe that's just it. Maybe I DON'T accept God's grace. Hmm ... maybe I just accepted God's grace for my salvation. Maybe I thought it was a one time thing, and now I'm on my own. Deep down, I know that God's mercies are new everyday ... but how do I move that from my head to my heart? It was for freedom that Christ set you free (Galatians 5:1)! Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1)! ... I know all those by heart ... but they're not really in my heart, are they? Not if I beat myself silly every day of my life.
And I've often wondered this ... is it pride, or is it insecurity? Am I that stinkin' vain? Do I think I'm such big stuff that I could even have a chance at being perfect? Or am I just that insecure? Do I think that little of myself that I have to be perfect to be worth anything? ... I honestly don't know. I don't like the sound of either one of those though.
So I will keep praying. I will keep praying for an eternal perspective ... to see myself with God's eyes. 'Cause I know God loves me. I know He cares about my little life and thinks it's big! I know He has mighty plans for me. I know that He's not done with me yet (Philippians 1:6). I know that He will never leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:6). I know that He is my strength and my portion (Psalm 73:26). Yep, I know all those too. But again with the "knowing." I know it in my head but not in my heart. I suppose that will be my new prayer ... that God's Truth will saturate not just my mind but my heart as well. God is faithful. He will help me overcome these struggles. And make me stronger in the process. I will trust in Him.