The Selfless Mom

What does it truly look like to be a selfless mom?

I want to be unselfish, self-sacrificing, and a servant to my children. Really, I want to be a bondservant ... someone who CHOOSES to serve and serves JOYFULLY. I love my children, and I am seriously so thankful that I get to stay home with them everyday and homeschool them. But daggonit, it is THE HARDEST job ever! I am constantly exhausted, constantly being asked to do something for someone else, and there is very little rest. I do find joy in it all. It ALL is worth it. But I struggle on a daily basis with guilt and frustration because I fall short so many times in a day. I pray and ask the Holy Spirit to fill me with perspective and godly responses. I make regular time for prayer and Bible reading. I pray for my children several times a week. I try not to do it all in my own strength, but I know I still do. I just get so mad at myself for how often I am selfish instead of selfless. I just want to be ready with a good attitude to clean up that spill again and again and take my kids outside to play every time they ask and put my breakfast down for the third time to clean up another child and let her down from her seat before she throws her yogurt all over the room. I want to be happy, not annoyed, when my children walk into my room during the quiet time I so desperately need and be excited, not dredding, to play pretend or work on a project they've come up with. I want to cherish every single moment. But the demands and overwhelm and ... selfishness ... get in the way of that desire. I will never understand how I can love my children so very much and want nothing more than being with them everyday and getting to raise them myself but also struggling with so much frustration and feelings of failure at my shortcomings.

I don't have any answers. I am just writing this out to say I wanna be a truly selfless mama, but I'm not. Thank God for His grace and mercy. I will keep trying my best every single day and trusting God for the rest because even though I am not selfless, I serve a perfectly selfless God who can see me through this glorious and beautiful and sanctifying gift called being a mom.

Miriam is ONE!

 

My sweet and beautiful baby #4 is finally a year old!

Life with four kiddos who were all born in 4 1/2 years is crazy and amazing and wonderful and so very difficult and sanctifying and the very best life I could ever imagine!  Call me crazy, but I want more children!  And this girlie only confirms that fact!  She is a GIFT from God.  She's sweetness and personality and dependence and smiles and silliness all rolled up into one beautiful girlie!

Miriam is coasting along furniture, walking with her pushing toys and while we hold her hands, exploring and getting into everything, beginning to imitate actions and sounds, and saying "hi" while waving ... "hi" was her first word; "baby" was her second.  She jumps right in to play with her brother and sisters, even if she gets clobbered, crushed, or knocked on her head in the process.  She loves hugs from Elisha, Haddie's silly faces, Bethel's long hair, silly play with daddy, and being held by mommy.

I am so very thankful for this girlie, and I am so excited to watch her grow and be apart of her life day after day.  God is gracious.

Miriam's 9, 10, and 11-month posts

Well, baby girl ... I have definitely not been consistent with your posts. I'm sorry about that. I guess that's just a big part of being baby number four in four-in-a-half years. 😉 I love you dearly, and I've been so enjoying your baby stage. I'm so sad to be watching it end so very soon.

• You've been doing and learning so much over the past few months. We've been outside a lot. We've been getting out more places now that the virus "isn't quite as bad" - places are open at least, as long as mama wears her mask. Geez. You haven't noticed the craziness of the world, and for that, I am grateful! You are the happiest, silliest, most pleasant baby around. You love giving hugs and kisses and crinkly-nose smiles and playful growls and fake laughy-coughs. I rhink these are all signs of security. You KNOW that you are loved. You see it and experience it everyday. And for that, I am proud, and I am thankful! You are exploring EVERYWHERE possible and eating lots of table food. You are an excellent crawler, pulling up on to furniture, and doing a little coasting along furniture on those chunkily amazing legs of yours. You are stubborn when it comes to sleeping, and some nights, you wear me out. But wow, you are worth it! You are pure JOY, and I love you, MJ!!!

Miriam's 7 and 8 month posts

Life is just going too fast! And it's just sooo busy with my four kiddos! Miriam is just over 8 months old, and call me crazy, but thinking about her not being a baby anymore (in a few short months) gives me baby fever. Don't get me wrong, I don't wanna be pregnant again right away! But the baby stage is just so precious and special. I'm trying to soak it up the best I can, just in case she is our last.

Some of my favorite things about Miriam these days ....
*She is giving hugs and kisses 🥰🥰🥰
*Her scrunchy-nose smiles 😍
*She has a super cute growl
*She sticks her tongue out a lot
*She's starting to play on the floor for longer periods of time
*She tries to sit up when I'm changing her diaper
*She can sit unsupported if I sit her up, but she still starts to fall quite a bit.
*She is all about mama, lights up and shakes when I enter the room 🤗🥰 (I'm ok with it 😉)
*She also loves snuggles and playing with daddy, hugs (and slaps) from Elisha, and watching her sisters' shenanigans.
*She watches Baby Einstein, plays in her saucer, and sits in her bumbo seat quite a bit throughout her days.
*She's such a happy girl until her independence has come to an end. 😉
*And just yesterday, she started eating baby food.

Life is crazy with four kiddos running around, but I truly love it, and it helps me grow, grow, grow! Thank you, Jesus, for growth and for my sweet Miriam Joy! ❤

Miriam is 6 months old!

Our sweet baby is 6 months old! The days are long, but the years are short couldn't be any more true!

Miriam is ...
*teething! She is popping her first two teeth this week! She's definitely been more weepy and has wanted to be held more, but she is still a sweetheart.
*doing a good job growing in independence.  She is enjoying Baby Einstein quite a bit these days and easily sits through more than one episode at a time. She has also been doing a great job of hanging out on the floor in her bumbo seat through all my morning to do's.
*sticking out her tongue and making super cute and funny movements with her mouth all the time. Maybe connected to teething?
*watching her hands all the time. Her hands keep her occupied for short periods of time when she's hanging on her own and while she's being held.
*grasping objects and playing with toys some.
*sitting and bouncing in her saucer for decent chunks of time.
*starting more baby babbles that sound closer to talking than just baby noises.
*going through a big-time mama phase right now.  It can be exhausting with three other kiddos to care for too. But it feels wonderful to be the one she wants the most. 🥰

Miriam is also getting (at least some of) her first-year monthly updates during the age of the Coronavirus. It's really going well ... God is so gracious. But it has been rough. We don't get to go to church or family group on Sundays, storytime on Tuesdays, playdates on Wednesday, or Bible Study Fellowship on Fridays ... just to name a few things. Everything is virtual until President Trump lifts the quarantine. We are only supposed to visit the grocery store, drive-thrus, and places outdoors while practicing social distancing. It's been hard, for sure. But I am thankful for the grace and perspective and strength that God has been giving this mama and her family. 🤗 I guess the biggest perk of being a baby in this season of life is that Miriam doesn't even have a clue. She just gets held and loved on no matter what. 😘

FOTS: Faithfulness

I started some posts about the Fruit of the Spirit a few years back, and I never finished 'em. So I think I'm gonna slowly start writing about the Fruit of the Spirits (FOTS) again.

Here are my latest thoughts on faithfulness ...

It has always been the time to be faithful. But now ... in this season of the Coronavirus ... we have the opportunity to be faithful in the smallest possible ways.
Today, I can be faithful to
*load the dishwasher
*change a fourth poopy diaper
*handle yet another temper tantrum
*take my kids outside to play
*pray for that friend who needs encouragement
*get my workout done
*wipe up the huge water spill from Barbie's pool party
*skip dessert
*put the leftovers from dinner away
*sit with my shenaniganizin' daughter for a few extra minutes at bedtime even though I'm dead tired
*never give up doing my very best (and letting that be enough).

I can be faithful in these small things by allowing the Holy Spirit to transform my attitude. I can ask God to help me see each and every task as a way to serve my loved ones, and ultimately, Him.
Please, God. Teach and empower me to be faithful ... one day at a time. 🙌

Miriam is 5 months old!

This gorgeous babe is 5 months old! Precious. Beautiful. Laid back. Full of smiles. Miriam is the best! ❤

What has she been up to?
- Rolling from back to belly
- Watching her hands, playing with dangling toys in front of her face, and sucking on her fingers
- Drooling like crazy
- Smiles and engages with her surroundings and facial expressions more than last month
- Watching a bit of Baby Einstein
- Watching her siblings and laughing at their shenanigans
- Sleeping through the night maybe 75% of the time

So in love with our babe #4 ❤

Daddy is one class away from having his bachelor's degree in business management in the medical field. Mommy is learning to thrive and not just survive this crazy life with 4 kids under 5. And we're hoping to be in our own house by the end of 2020. God is faithful and gracious, and we are excited to see where He leads. 🤗

Miriam's 3 and 4 month posts

Well, I have a feeling a lot of Miriam's posts are gonna be late. Sorry, baby girl. I really am trying to do my best. Life is just a bit cray cray with you four kiddos around. And I am loving it!!!

So at four months, Miriam is ....

*still the sweetest, little personality

*starting to become fairly needy 😱 ... she wants to be held a lot more; she has already started wanting only me when I'm in the room, sometimes, not even letting her grandparents hold her without crying; she still gives me some independent time in her pack n play, frog seat, and on the changing table, but she doesn't last nearly as long as she did about a month ago.

*studying her hands a lot

*becoming pretty vocal with her baby babbles and coos ❤

*full of smiles and laughs when her siblings come to say hi, make funny faces, or give her a hug

*wearing 6-month clothes and 6-9/9-month sleepers, and she drinks 6-7 ounces of formula every 2-3 hours

*really getting good at sleeping through the night (9:30-ish to 7:30-ish many nights of the week) 🤗

Miriam really is the sweetest!

One of my favorite things about her is any time I put her down on the changing table or sit her somewhere to face me, she just grins and grins at me. It makes my life knowing I have her love ❤

I haven't been sharing what mama's been up to for several posts because I feel like a miracle has happened when I actually get a blog post written! Ha!

But lately, and for the past year, I have really been growing in my faith, and more specifically, my prayer life. I've practiced to the point that I almost always turn to the Lord first in my circumstances instead of worrying or condemning myself. And when there is a need, I lift it to the Lord right away. Or if I need wisdom, I ask God for it. It may sound simple, but these habits have been life-changing. I am so thankful for the power of the Holy Spirit in my life.

Miriam's birth story

Our beautiful baby #4 was born on Wednesday, September 18, 2019 ... 6 days AFTER her due date. 🤯

I never would have dreamed that my fourth baby would be late. My body was so uncomfortable; I thought she'd go early, for sure! But just like all of our babies, Miriam needed her own birth story. 😉

I don't really have Braxton Hicks contractions in my pregnancies. When my contractions start, it's go time! So when I started having some super mild contractions a week-and-a-half before Miriam's due date, I thought that was the beginning of the end. ... It wasn't. And I basically had no other signs of labor. My due date came and went. I called to schedule my induction the day after my due date because I was fairly miserable at the end of Miriam's pregnancy. My body was worn out! For good reason ... 4 babies in five years and Miriam literally right after Elisha! And it's good I scheduled my induction because the earliest they could get me in was Wednesday, 6 days after my due date. We arrived at the hospital a little before 4am that Wednesday morning. I started the pitocin by 5am. I thought for sure Miriam would come quickly. Again, she had her own plans. I got my epidural early, and I was given pitocin for about 8 hours before she decided to come. I hit 6cm, and my epidural started to wear off. I asked for more epidural meds, and then grabbed Darrell's hand and cried and breathed through the pain. Thankfully, my anesthesiologist gave me more medicine just in time. By the time my doctor arrived, baby and I were ready! 5 minutes of pushing, and our beautiful girl was out! Thank you, Jesus!

Miriam has added so much joy and so many lessons learning to our lives. I am learning so much about dependence on the Lord and walking in freedom in this season of my life. God is so gracious, and I am so thankful for our Miriam Joy. ❤

Haddie is 4-and-a-half!

Wow! My Haddie girl is so grown up!

Haddie is our super strong-willed, tender-hearted, artistic, intelligent, and beautiful 4-and-a-half year old! She is my most difficult child these days, and she pushes me to the edge of my patience (and sometimes, sanity) more than anyone or anything in my life this far. But wow, I am thankful for her! Her little life has taught me so much about grace and dependence on the Lord and my own depravity. She also has the sweetest, tender heart. She's gonna be a world-changer when she meets Jesus! I'm confident her strong will is gonna make her a leader instead of a follower, and I'm praying her tender heart will make her a servant to everyone she meets.
Haddie really enjoys coloring, drawing, stenciling, doing crafts and schoolwork, giving gifts and getting gifts, playing in tubs of rice/sand with ponies and other treasures, wearing dresses, painting her nails/putting on makeup, pretending: being a ballerina/fairy, puppet shows, dollhouses, etc., being in control, holding and loving on her baby sister, telling Bethel what to do, playing with Bethel, making Elisha laugh, Sunday School, and playing outside. Some of her favorite shows are Muppet Babies, Team Umizoomi, Blaze and the Monster Machines, Bluey, Frozen, and Hotel Transylvania.
Haddie has been extra into pretending lately ... wanting me to put on puppet shows and plays with her. She hates it when anyone leaves the house and insists (over and over again) that we wave at her in the kitchen window as we leave and often cries, and gets fairly frantic about the details of our departure. She is already talking about going to kindergarten next year ... she wants to ride the school bus, make new friends, and write in a notebook. Too cute! 😁
Our girlie sure does wear us out, but wow, we love her! She is the coolest!

Bethel is 3 years old!

Our gorgeous, silly, stubborn, sweet, moody, wonderful Bethel girl is finally three!

This girlie is the most articulate, melancholy 3-year-old I've ever known. She is amazing! She is incredibly weepy at times but also super silly. You can often catch her singing gibberish to the toon of worship songs while she puts a puzzle together or colors a picture. She enjoys reading books with anyone in the house who will read to her. She likes puzzles, coloring with markers, wooden stamps, play-doh, kinetic sand, ponies, and playing outside. Her favorite shows are Muppet Babies, Little Einsteins, Team Umizoomi, Blaze and the Monster Machines, and Peppa Pig. Bethel is good at sharing, has a great imagination, loves being silly and playing just about anything with Haddie, enjoys crawling around and playing chase with Elisha, and is particular about hugs and kisses ... she gives them out only on her own terms. Some of her favorite foods are meat-cheese-and-crackers lunchables, cheeseburger happy meals from McDonald's, smoked sausage, applesauce (all kinds of flavors), spaghetti, and cheese pizza.
She is beautiful and hilarious, and I am so thankful she is my daughter. ❤

Miriam's 1 and 2-month posts

 

Isn't she gorgeous???
I am so in love with our beautiful Miriam Joy 😍
She is absolutely the sweetest baby. 🥰
I am, of course, behind with her posts because, like I said in Elisha's 1-year post - wow! - life with four kids under 5 is cray cray!! But wow, it's an adventure! And I truly love it.
So ... what is Miriam up to these days?
She smiles a lot ... which is so precious!
She is getting better at occupying herself, which is incredibly helpful. So I just rotate her around the house throughout the day, and she's happy.
She's still up once or twice a night, but she's given us a few full-night sleeps.
She is the stinkiest kid we've had so far ... faking us out with farts everyday, and she cries every time she poops.
She eats every 2 hours when she's awake for it.
She has made all of us, especially Haddie, fall in love with her.
She is growing like a weed - 12 pounds 9 ounces at 7 weeks old and already wearing size 3-month clothes.
And she is so strong, lifts her head and can almost hold her head up completely by herself.