Haddie is 4-and-a-half!

Wow! My Haddie girl is so grown up!

Haddie is our super strong-willed, tender-hearted, artistic, intelligent, and beautiful 4-and-a-half year old! She is my most difficult child these days, and she pushes me to the edge of my patience (and sometimes, sanity) more than anyone or anything in my life this far. But wow, I am thankful for her! Her little life has taught me so much about grace and dependence on the Lord and my own depravity. She also has the sweetest, tender heart. She's gonna be a world-changer when she meets Jesus! I'm confident her strong will is gonna make her a leader instead of a follower, and I'm praying her tender heart will make her a servant to everyone she meets.
Haddie really enjoys coloring, drawing, stenciling, doing crafts and schoolwork, giving gifts and getting gifts, playing in tubs of rice/sand with ponies and other treasures, wearing dresses, painting her nails/putting on makeup, pretending: being a ballerina/fairy, puppet shows, dollhouses, etc., being in control, holding and loving on her baby sister, telling Bethel what to do, playing with Bethel, making Elisha laugh, Sunday School, and playing outside. Some of her favorite shows are Muppet Babies, Team Umizoomi, Blaze and the Monster Machines, Bluey, Frozen, and Hotel Transylvania.
Haddie has been extra into pretending lately ... wanting me to put on puppet shows and plays with her. She hates it when anyone leaves the house and insists (over and over again) that we wave at her in the kitchen window as we leave and often cries, and gets fairly frantic about the details of our departure. She is already talking about going to kindergarten next year ... she wants to ride the school bus, make new friends, and write in a notebook. Too cute! 😁
Our girlie sure does wear us out, but wow, we love her! She is the coolest!

Haddie is 3-and-a-half!

I forgot to post Haddie's three year post, so here's three and a half!

Her favorite shows: Dora and Friends ("Older Dora"), Puppy Dog Pals, My Little Pony, and "new" episodes of Little Einsteins
- Her favorite things to do: Crafts, painting, playing outside, going to the library, Sunday School, trips to the store - especially Wal-Mart and Dollar General, one-on-one dates with mommy or daddy, sleepovers at Granny and Grampy's house, telling people what to do, and giving her ponies to the people she loves so they won't be alone.
Some of her favorite foods: Plain cheeseburgers, apple sauce, strawberries, mushroom chicken, and pork chops.
My favorite phrase that she says right now: "It's ok, buddy." She says it in the cutest voice to her baby brother multiple times a day.

Haddie is my little firecracker. She is strong-willed and wants to be in control of everything and everyone. She can't stand the word no or being told to wait for something. Needless to say, she is in constant training. 😉 Haddie is also full of sweetness, and she has a tender heart. I have a love-hate relationship with her desire to give her ponies and other toys to everyone so they won't be alone. She doesn't like to be alone, so she doesn't want anyone else to be alone. So sweet! She likes playing with Bethel and picking on her. If she's not hugging and kissing Bethel, she might be hitting and kicking her. And she is smitten with her little brother. She loves showing him books, touching him while he lays around the house, and giving him kisses. She is the most amazing, strong-willed Haddie girl in the world, and I wouldn't trade her for anything. ❤

Haddie is 2 years old!

This spunky beauty is 2 years old already!  Haddie is full of personality and so much fun!  She can also be pretty stubborn and loud and crazy.  She's timid in new surroundings with new people, but she warms up pretty quickly.  She loves to play outside ... swings and slides are her favorite activities.  She likes to jump and run ... she hardly ever walks.  She smiles all the time, loves her pacifier, and is learning to brush her teeth.  She gives hugs and kisses every night.  Milk is her favorite drink, and she would drink tea all the time if we would let her, sweet or unsweet.  Haddie also likes to color and draw with just about any utensil ... markers are probably her favorite.  She would paint all the time if we were brave enough to let her.  She's pretty good about going down during quiet time, but she'd stay up all day and all night being silly and crazy if we'd let her ... we don't. ;)  Haddie is super smart ... she can already count to 10, knows all the uppercase letters of the alphabet, and knows the names of several colors and shapes.  And she can say all kinds of words and phrases, as well as, repeat a lot of things, whether we want her to or not. ;) She enjoys looking at books.  She likes animals, especially dogs.  She gets excited about trucks, trains, and airplanes.  Some of her favorite shows are Little Einsteins, Dora the Explorer, Daniel Tiger, Curious Buddies, Monster's Inc., and Finding Dory.  This sweet, spunky, stubborn, super awesome girlie has stolen our hearts, and we are so thankful the life we get to share with her!

Our Baby Names: Hadassah Ruth

Alright, Haddie girl, it's your turn, babe!

A year or two before Darrell and I started dating, I read through a book series called The Mark of the Lion series.  It was a Christian historical fiction series written by Francine Rivers, just in case you're interested in reading it! ;)  In the first two books of the series, the main female character's name was Hadassah.  She started out as an ordinary, fearful girl who lost her family to the violent Romans, and she became an extraordinary woman of faith, determination, and trust in the Lord in the midst of some unbelievable trials.  I was totally inspired and amazed at this woman's journey of faith ... yes, even though she is a fictional character.  It was just that good of a story!  And from that point on, I wanted to name my first daughter Hadassah.  I pray that Haddie will grow to be a woman of this kind of undying faith in her Savior.

Darrell and I agreed that we'd really like to pick strong, Biblical names for our kids, and thankfully, Hadassah is found in one sentence of the Bible!  Hadassah is Esther's Hebrew name and can be found in Esther 2:7.  So, boom!  We have our strong, Biblical name for our first born girlie!  In addition to the Francine Rivers' Hadassah, we really admire Esther's strength and courage to follow God and risk her life for her people.  Also, we chose Haddie's middle name, Ruth, from, yep, you guessed it, the book of Ruth in the Bible.  Ruth's story of courage, loyalty, and humility is inspiring and such an amazing example to follow.  Hence, our strong, Biblical middle name for our Hadassah.  I worked through a Bible study of both the book of Esther and the book of Ruth while I was pregnant with Haddie, and I remember being even more convinced that we picked the perfect name for our girlie!

God is so awesome!  I'm so thankful for my Haddie girl!

Mical's Must Have's for Baby's First Year

Well, we've made it through a year and a couple weeks with our sweet babe, and what an adventure it has been!  I'm sure all first-time parents say that ... and probably all second-time and third-time and so on parents as well.  Kids are so, so worth it, but man, they are a lot of work!!!!  I wouldn't trade our sweet Haddie girl for the world though, and I am so looking forward to meeting Baby #2 in a few months.

I've been thinking about this post for over three months ... it all started when I was putting away my portable changing table pad and thought ... "Mical's Must Have's for Baby's First Year!  It's gonna be a blog post, yo!" ... I thought something like that. ;)  So here it is ... a list of things I'm not sure how we would've lived without in raising Haddie this year.

Portable Baby Changing Table Pad

Umm, yeah.  This is a life-saver.  Thank you, Maggie Wade!  So many times I went out with Haddie this year, and although most places have changing tables, some places do not.  And it was such a blessing to have a safe place to lay my baby.  Get one of these, and all ya do is fold it up and stick it in the side pocket of your diaper bag, and it's super easy to wipe down too!

Exersaucer/Saucer

When I first bought this for $20 ... thank you very much! ... When I first bought this saucer, I thought, "What on earth is this thing?"  I bought it because I heard they were super nifty for helping your baby play by herself, but to look at these things, you might think, "Huh?"  But babies love them!  At least mine did.  It was so fun to watch Haddie learn how to play with the toys attached to this round, roly seat.  And on top of that, it's a safe place for her to play when I need to get some things done around the house.  Pair it with Baby Einstein, and you can call yourself one blessed AND spoiled mama!  Holla-lujah!  Haddie played in this while I cooked dinner and interacted with her.  She played in it (and slept in it) while watching Baby Einstein.  It's great for teaching independent play and for sustaining mama's sanity.  They can be pretty pricey, but if you can find one at a yard sale or on some local baby pages (I'll talk about those later), then do it!  You won't regret it! :)

Baby Einstein Videos

Our friends, Jared and Maggie, gave us a few Baby Einstein videos to try out when Haddie was pretty little.  I took them gladly and gave 'em a try.  The first 2-3 months, Haddie was just too small for these videos, but she started liking them more and more as she got older.  By 6 or 7 months, she was hooked and so was mama!  Haha!  Haddie got the whole collection for Christmas from my mom, and we use them every single day.  I'll admit that Haddie watches them too much, but ya know ... I don't feel guilty about that one bit.  I play with my baby, feed her, love her, read to her, keep her safe, teach her independent play, pray for her, rock her to sleep, call the doctor for her and take her to all her appointments, encourage her, comfort her, and make sacrifices for her everyday.  So a little Baby Einstein isn't gonna kill her ... and to be honest, it gives ME LIFE! :)  Haddie is a fabulous independent player; she is social; she is happy; she is smart; she is an explorer; she is learning from these videos.  And when she watches these videos, she allows me to get all kinds of stuff done.  These videos (along with her saucer and pack 'n play) have allowed me to spend extra time in prayer and Bible-reading, get the dishes done, put laundry in the washer/dryer, read a book, BREATHE, work at The Porch to provide extra needed money for our family without sending Haddie to daycare, write blog posts, take showers, have a few minutes to myself, and BREATHE some more.  I'm incredibly thankful for the creators of these videos and for Jared and Mags who gave us a few to try out!

Pack 'n Play

We have used our pack 'n play for pretty much all of Haddie's life.  This is the pack 'n play that we keep at my mom's cafe', but the one we have used at home this year has two levels built in ... one that zips up high in the pack 'n play for when Haddie was very tiny (under 15 pounds) ... she had lots of tummy time in here.  As she got older, we took the upper level out and just let her play on the "floor" level ... she STILL plays in the pack 'n play at The Porch on a daily basis.  It's a safe, contained space so that I can do office work or prep food at my mom's store.  I've also taken the pack 'n play with me to do house-cleaning jobs as well.  Couple it with some Baby Einstein, and you've got a safe and entertaining place for baby for as long as she'll stand it.

Baby Swing

We only used our swing for the first few months ... I think Haddie started enjoying it for short lengths of time around 6 or 7 weeks old ... all the way up until probably around 4 months old.  It was like a saucer for really tiny babies ... it was great for interacting with Haddie while I cooked dinner or got the dishes done.

Bumbo

Wow!  Again ... what a blessing this little guy has been.  We used this as Haddie's high chair until she was almost 8 months old.  Heck, she STILL uses it at The Porch everyday!  Our specific Bumbo has a tray that you snap on to create the high chair effect ... or you can just push it right up to the table.  And even at 25 pounds and over a year old, Haddie can still use it on a daily basis, so we keep the Bumbo at The Porch and the portable high chair at home.  It's a safe place for Haddie to sit and eat or play with toys while I eat or do housework in the same room with her.  I remember when Haddie was younger than 7 months, I would put her in the Bumbo up on the table top so that she could play with toys and stay occupied while I worked in the kitchen ... she liked being able to see everything I was doing.  A great alternative to a high chair ... or heck, use it AS your high chair for as long as possible!

Portable High Chair

This baby is an awesome upgrade from our Bumbo seat.  Sadly, we haven't thought to actually take it with us when we could've used it while out and about.  Imagine that ... taking a PORTABLE high chair out to a friend's house for dinner or on a weekend trip out of town ... ha ha!  Yeah, we never remember.  But!  If we were to remember, this high chair would be perfect! ;)  Haddie got this for Christmas from Darrell's parents and grandparents, and it has been a huge blessing.  She can sit in it for decent chunks of time, eating, drinking a bottle, playing, or watching Baby Einstein.

Little People (Or toy of your baby's choice)

If you can, find a toy (or toys) that your baby really likes.  We started collecting the Little People princesses and superheroes long before we even thought of having a baby just 'cause we think they're cool.  And when she was 6 or 7 months old, she started playing with these all the time and loved 'em.  We think she liked 'em so much because they were the perfect size for her hand ... yet big enough that we weren't afraid she'd choke on 'em (bonus!).  She carried them with her everywhere and played with them in her car seat.  Although she has started playing with toys that make noise or music or talk much more often, she still enjoys playing with her growing collection of Little People even now.

Pacifier

I think I've heard a bit of controversy about pacifiers.  I know we heard some while we were going to breastfeeding classes shortly before Haddie was born.  If you breastfeed your baby, I bet what they had to say about staying away from pacifiers made a lot of sense.  But since we chose not to breastfeed (and it was the best decision we could have made for EVERYONE, by the way ... again, an opinion under much controversy! ;)), pacifiers have been a must have for us.  When Haddie was really little she had no use for them, but once she started teething (and continues to do so!), pacifiers became one of her best friends.  I say read your kid's needs and be open to trying something out that may save you and your baby a lot of unnecessary tears and anguish.  Although we don't want her using a pacifier well past the age of 2, pacifiers have been a friend to our family over the past few months. :)

Local Baby Pages on Facebook

I saved my favorite for last!  Oh. My. Word!  I'm assuming that there are Facebook Baby/Mommy Pages anywhere you live ... at least I hope so!  These Facebook groups have been the greatest blessing to us as parents this past year.  We figured out pretty early on that Gerber Soothe worked best for Haddie, and once our Target gift cards ran out, we were able to save so much money by using these groups to buy and sell formula (along with other baby items).  Thank you, Justine Basye, for hooking me up with these pages!  You communicate with other moms in your area to buy, sell, and trade all kinds of baby stuff.  I wish I had thought to keep track of how much I saved on formula this past year because I was buying Gerber Soothe from other moms for 35 to 50/60% off what I could find in stores.  Formula is expensive, y'all!  So what a huge, huge blessing!

Any first-time moms out there reading my blog???  What are YOUR must haves for baby?  I'd love to know ... I've got another one on the way! ;)

Haddie Made it To One!

My baby girl has been on the planet for a whole year!  I can't believe it!

What Haddie girl is doing and learning these days ...

Walking ... a little.  About 6-10 steps at a time, sometimes less. ~ Giving lots of kisses ~ Loves exploring outside - it's her favorite thing to do currently ~ Drinking whole milk now!  Wow!  No more formula ... well, for a few months, then on to baby #2! ;) ~ Learning cause and effect - she recently started putting objects into other objects and taking them out and pushing buttons and levers and such on her toys ... so fun to watch! ~ Taking daily naps IN HER CRIB ... this is big, people! ~ Has moved up to the next size car seat ... craziness! ~ In the 97th percentile for weight ... just under 25 pounds at her 1-year doctor's appointment ~ In the 91st percentile for height ... we've got a good-sized girl on our hands ~ Throwing tantrums when she doesn't get her way ... yep, we're figuring out how to help her overcome that everyday ~ Bringing such joy (and a little exhaustion ;)) to her parents and grandparents every single day! ~ Growing into an absolutely beautiful and awesome little person every single day! :)

What Mama is doing and learning these days ...

Making progress with this grace and gratitude thing - HOLLA-LUJAH!!!! ~ Praying for my husband and babies ~ Still working at building my prayer wall ~ So thankful for a healthy pregnancy ~ So thankful for my daughter and what her life is teaching me ~ So thankful for my husband whose love is so amazing I can't fathom it many days :) ~ So thankful for Haddie's afternoon naps ... mama time, folks! ~ Realizing that I don't have to be a perfect wife and mama; I just do my best, and God takes care of the rest ~ Excited to be blogging more often again ~ Still going to counseling, and it is empowering our marriage so much and making me fall even more in love with my husband!!! ~ Excited to see what God is a brewin' and a bringin' to our lives this year and beyond ... it's gonna be good, people!  It already is! :)

Haddie's Favorite Books

Well, I've tried to post this blog post at least three times in the past couple of weeks.  Our daggone internet is horrible, and half the time it literally won't even bring up my blog home page.  Sometimes, I almost cry because I wanna be a "real blogger" so bad, and I've been making the time for it but can't get on.  And call me old-fashioned, but I just can't post too many posts from my phone ... the screen is just too small, and everything is more time-consuming.  Ha!  Anyways ... I think I can finally post this, so I'm so excited!

Over the past few months, Haddie has been developing a love for books.  At this stage, she mostly likes to eat them.  Haha!  But she does like to look at books with us, point at the pictures, hear the words and/or sounds. ... My friend, Emily, over at The Thought Spot shared a post like this with her daughter's favorite books a few months back, and I loved it.  So I am fully admitting that this blog post idea is totally stolen.  I don't think Emily will mind. ;)

My First Word Book is probably Haddie's absolute favorite.  It is full of colorful pictures with a single word describing several of the pictures on each page.  It teaches littles what specific objects, foods, animals, and so on are called.  Haddie especially likes the farm page because we make the animal noises ... she just laughs and laughs.

Haddie received this Peek-a-Boo book at her 9-month doctor's appointment, and she has loved it ever since.  It is such a cute, little book with baby faces and a few phrases.  The phrases correspond with the face each baby is making.  Haddie loves to interact with other babies and kids, so she giggles or yells with delight every time we open this book for her.  We keep this book in the car to help occupy her during car rides. ... She especially likes the little boy who is yawning ... haha!  So cute!

Haddie received this book, That's Not My Snowman, for Christmas from Gma (Darrell's grandma).  I am a huge fan of snowmen, so I think this book is a keeper.  It is a touch-and-feel book.  Haddie enjoys touching the different textures on each page, but I think the reason she likes this book so much is because she sees a cute, smiling snowman on each page.  We keep this one in her crib, along with other toys, so that she can play for awhile each morning before waking mommy up.  I recently found a chunk chewed out of the binding.  Nice, kid.  A little digested cardboard never hurt anyone, right? ;)

It's a good thing I'm not a real blogger because I can't figure out how to crop this picture to make the book sit upright.  Oh, well. ... This Fisher-Price Colors book is one that Haddie will hand to me to read over and over again in one sitting.  She loves pointing to the animals, food, and objects and hearing the names of each.  One side of each page is a color; the other side of the page has a picture of an animal, food, or object that is the same color.  Super simple.  Super great for teaching littles their colors.  This is one, as you can see, that Haddie has eaten the binding off of; it is literally falling apart.  Haha!

Yeah.  Same story.  How do I crop this thing? ... This Fisher-Price counting book is so cute.  Littles only learn how to count to five, but hey, they aren't anywhere close to preschool yet, so I say, that's awesome!  Each page has cute, little animals (the number of which corresponds to the number being learned ... imagine that!) and a rhyming question asking how many animals are found on each page.  Haddie likes both the animals and the rhyming.  She also likes the fact that we make up silly stories for each page a lot the time instead of reading the actually text.

I can't wait for her next set of favorite books ... heck, I can't wait for the day when she stops EATING her books!  Haha! ... Which books do your kids like?  Let's cultivate reading minds in our children, shall we?  It can only help, right? :)

Haddie is 11 months old!

Well, I'm only 2 weeks late posting Haddie's 11-month post. Ha!

What Haddie is doing and learning ...
Taking a step or two here and there, but no walking yet ~ Loves walking with her walker and holding our hands ~ Giving kisses ~ Biting! Yes, we are staying on her about that one ~ Practicing with her sippy cup and getting her drinks all over herself ~ Wearing 18-month clothes and has been for a few weeks ~ Loves being outside ~ Fruit is still her favorite food from what we can tell ~ Waves at people, even strangers, all the time ~ Continues to love music, especially when she can see and touch the instruments ~ She even dances a little and likes to watch others dance ~ Likes pushing and chasing balls on the floor ~ Likes to be chased ~ Loves games like peek-a-boo ~ Baby Einstein is still her favorite show ~ Starting to climb on things and up stairs ... yep, we've been using the baby gate consistently for a few weeks

What Mama is doing and learning ...
Thankful for my family ~ Physically exhausted most days ~ Extra emotional ~ Struggling with finding some balance but striving to maintain a positive perspective ~ Struggling not to put too many expectations on myself ~ Still learning that I am not saved by what I do but only by God's grace ~ Learning that being faithful is about the motivations of my heart, not about what I do ~ Still so thankful I can stay home with my baby girl ~ Excited and nervous about baby #2's arrival in November ~ So, so thankful God gave me a patient, understanding husband who loves me through everything ~ I am unceasingly thankful for God's many lessons and great patience with me :)

Haddie is 10 months old!

What Haddie is doing and learning these days ....
Finally holding her own bottle! ~ Drinking lots more water from her bottle ~ Drinking much less formula and eating more table food ~ She hardly ever eats from a spoon because she wants to feed herself ~ Learning to clap ~ Has a new face that is to die for ... she bends her head down so you can barely see her eyes and then grins - so funny and precious! ~ Standing on her own a lot more ~ Using her walker a lot more and getting fast! ~ Likes to make us laugh ~ Starting to play games and responding to games like peek-a-boo and leaning your head back and forth ~ Loves Baby Einstein more all the time ... Meet the Orchestra is her favorite! ~ Loves music, especially musical instruments ~ Has been introduced to the show Daniel Tiger a bit, and we can tell she already likes it ~ Likes board books, especially ones that have objects you point to and say the name of ~ Carries her Little People around with her everywhere ~ Still a big fan of her pacifier, especially when she's tired or riding in her car seat ~ Quite the daddy's little girl ... she's been dismissing mommy for daddy these days! (Daddy sure doesn't mind) ~ Tries to climb the stairs a bit ~ Loves to eat food (and other things) off the floor .... mommy needs to sweep more often - haha! ~ Haddie just found out last week that she's gonna be a big sister ... around November 3rd of this year!

What Mama is doing and learning these days ....
I'm pregnant again!  Happy birthday to me! :):):) ~ Still working at this thing called balance ... learning that it's a never-ending battle ~ Trying to work out more of a routine for me and Haddie ... as best I can ~ Slowly reading the books on my 2016 reading list ~ Starting a study called Fervent with the Ladies' Tuesday Morning Bible study - so excited! ~ Trying to find ways to make money as a Blogger .... probably should find more TIME to blog first, huh?  Ha! ~ Loving to read my friend, Emily's blog ... it's awesome!  Check it out at www.emilymacd.blogspot.com ~ Excited that we are paying down our debt and making plans for the future ~ Been using the myfitnesspal app, and I really like it ~ Continuing to learn that dependence on God is my purpose ... so I am doing exactly what God wants for me when I choose practice instead of perfection :) ~ Still practicing cultivating a heart of thankfulness ~ So thankful for my cleaning job and job at The Porch ... they are tremendously helpful to us ~ So thankful for a husband who loves me unconditionally, is always willing to work at communication and finances and overcoming struggles TOGETHER, and who is working so hard to provide for our family in multiple ways ~ So thankful for my beautiful Haddie girl who challenges me, warms my heart, and makes me laugh ~ So thankful for my parents and Darrell's parents who help us with Haddie in so, so many ways ~ I'm so thankful for this season to live with my parents ... we are paying off debt and making plans for the future that would not be possible without their help ~ I'm thankful that Haddie is actually taking a NAP, IN HER CRIB, so that I can get a few things done (yes, if you can't tell, this is not a normal thing for her) ;) ~ Can't wait for the warmer weather so that we can go for family walks/bike rides at the park ~ So hopeful for God's workings in our lives and marriage and family ... excited to see what He's got up His sleeve! ~ Absolutely loving being a mom, and it's growing all the time ~ And excited for our new baby a comin' :)

Haddie is 9 months old!

Haddie girl turned 9 months old yesterday ... I love watching her face mature in our monthly pictures.  She becomes more beautiful everyday!  She is such a good girl, full of smiles and growing personality.  We think she's gonna be a bit stubborn, but she is as sweet as can be, independent, and full of life and new noises.  Just love being this girlie's mama!

What Haddie is doing and learning these days ....
Teething!!!  And no, it's not very fun for anyone ~ likes her pacifier quite a bit ~ making new noises: spitting noises, "mama", "dada", "nahnah" ... just lots of babbling in general :) ~ starting to understand how to drink out of a sippy cup ~ eating much less pureed food and more table food ~ she really likes to feed herself ... she'd prefer that most of the time ~ in the 66 percentile or higher for length (28 inches) and weight (21.7 pounds) ~ standing up all by herself from time to time ~ taking naps in her car seat ... this girl barely takes naps during the day, but when she does?  She's in her car seat! ~ likes playing with daddy ~ likes mommy to hold her best when she's upset ~ drawn to facial expressions, mouth noises, clapping sounds ~ doesn't like weird noises like aluminum foil crinkling or the Nutri-bullet grinding ~ loves looking in mirrors ~ extra clingy and a little extra fussy lately ... wants to be held a lot more often (probably from the teething?) ~ still totally sweet and lovable ... growing like a weed and soaking up knowledge like a sponge!

What Mama is doing and learning these days ....
Practicing thankfulness :) ~ trying to figure out how to get the girlie to nap so that I have more time for prayer, reading, blogging, etc. ... just wanna have some time to do things that are truly important and good "me time" but that I can't do while she's up and goin' ~ Slowly reading some really good books and excited to start the rest of my reading list ~ still going to counseling, and it's really providing good tools for communication in my relationship with Darrell ~ wondering about God's timing with another baby ... just curious :) ~ trying to shop and eat more whole and organic foods and get motivated to try new recipes for better health and more variety ~ working out more regularly but struggling to stay motivated ... and struggling to exercise with the girlie hanging all over me - she always seems the most clingy when I wanna get my workout in - haha! ~ learning a lot about practice, thankfulness, dependence on the Lord, remembering what's most important and doing those things, and not trying to control everything ~ growing more in love with my husband and my baby girl all the time ~ so thankful for our season of life ... time together as a family, staying home with Haddie, being apart of a wonderful church family, God's provision, learning lessons ... God's just cool! ~ excited to see what God's got in store for 2016 and beyond!

Haddie is 8 months old!

I am so in love with this little beauty!  She teaches me so much about being selfless and thankful and hopeful and so much more!

What Haddie is doing and learning ....
Exploring like crazy! ~ Better at grabbing things ~ More coordinated ~ Much more steady when she pulls herself up on to things ~ Starting to climb a bit ... she flipped head over heels over a box recently because she was trying to climb over it! ~ Cruising along furniture a bit ~ Such a happy girl - still!  Smiles and laughter all the time! ~ More personality coming out all the time! ~ Eating soft table foods pretty regularly and loving it! ... She really likes eggs, potatoes, kiwi, bananas, chicken, broccoli ... those are probably her favorites ~ Loves playing with board books (and books in general), Little People, spoons, blocks, and toys that light up and play music ~ She got a bunch of Baby Einsteins for Christmas ... she seems to enjoy them still, but she's becoming more mobile, so she'd rather play on the floor or go exploring ~ Getting more of a bedtime routine (yeah, it took mommy and daddy a while to buckle down with that! ;)) ... bath, story, bottle, rocking to sleep with music quietly playing in the background ~ Sleeping longer ... closer to 12 hours a night (all the parents say "holla-lujah!" :)) ~ Sitting in a big girl high chair (instead of her bumbo) ... she got it for Christmas - thank you, Granny and Grampy and Gma and Frank! ~ Growing out of clothes like crazy!  She wears mostly 9-month onesies, but she's already starting to wear 12-month sleepers and pants!  Craziness! ~ Got her first tooth on December 16th ... just one, lonesome tooth, in the front, on the bottom ... super (extra) cute when she smiles really big! ~ Starting to pop another tooth through ~ Still a horrible napper during the day ... but she sleeps a lot at night, so mommy will take it! ~ Taking naps in her car seat ... hey, mama will take what she can get ;) ~ Tons of independent play ~ Still in the "mommy phase" (and mommy doesn't complain! ;)) ~ Not a big fan of adults she doesn't know, but she loves kids ~ Totally awesome all the way around! :D

What Mama is doing and learning ....
Growing in grace and thankfulness ~ Overwhelmed with God's provision and the hope and gratitude He has been filling my mind and life with! ~ Absolutely loving being a mom! ~ Growing more in love with Haddie everyday! ~ So grateful to be home with Haddie everyday ~ So thankful for the hodge podge jobs I have to bring in some extra income ~ So thankful for my parents' generosity to let us live with them to save and pay off debt and raise our family ~ So thankful for my Darrell! ~ Wanting another baby ~ Making plans to do some more consistent blogging ~ Figuring our how to get Haddie to nap a bit during the day ... so far, the car seat is our saving grace ;) ~ gaming with the hubby ~ absolutely loving this season of my life!

Practice is my word; thankfulness is my attitude!
Holla-lujah!
Happy 2016, y'all! :)

Haddie is 7 months old!

Growing like a weed!  I can't believe we've already passed the half a year mark!

What Haddie is doing and learning ....
She's pretty much an expert crawler now ~ she spends a good chunk of her day standing because she's pulled herself up on to something ... the ottoman, her exersaucer, her carseat that's sitting on the floor ... she's not quite strong enough to pull herself up on our tall couches, but she's getting close! ~ she eats pureed food at least 3-4 times a day, taking her bottle less and less ~ she babbles and grunts and "yells" a lot ... so cute and fun! ~ she's pretty excited about her food ... the only thing we're not sure if she likes is avocado ... but she's only had it once, so I'm sure we'll make her try it again ~ she watches an episode or two of Baby Einstein almost everyday, and she's mostly watching and engaging in it instead of playing while she watches these days ~ things she really likes: music, daddy playing guitar and singing, playing with her car seat (NOT being strapped in it though, especially for long periods of time), chewing on her baby spoons and teething toys, holding herself in a standing positions using furniture or holding on to someone's hands, her giraffe toys, eating food rather than drinking a bottle, Baby Einstein, "warning" stickers on her car seat, walker, etc., being held and independent play ~ she smiles most of the time ~ been going through a fussy/needy phase the past week ... at least for her ... but overall, still super happy! ~ very curious about everything ~ still putting everything she can get her hands on into her mouth ~ likes cords and wires and turning from her back to her belly while she is getting her diaper or clothes changed ... two things we are trying to teach her not to do - haha! ~ she doesn't like being held by people she doesn't see often ~ very much in the "mommy phase" ... I can't complain ;) ~ crawling to other rooms to explore whether she hears someone in there or not ~ still and always our bundle of joy and adventure :):):)

What Mommy is doing and learning ....
Discovering a new hobby for myself incorporating godly reminders/eternal perspective/prayer/home decor ~ playing lots of table top games with my hubby (and friends too!) ~ absolutely LOVING being a mama ~ growing in communication with my husband ~ continually working on my attitude ... continually practicing thankfulness ~ STILL reading Battlefield of the Mind ... ha!  I recently found a study guide for it, so I kinda had to start over, but that's okay because it's good! ~ working at not being so crazy about the budget ~ praying for our future, Darrell's job, my family's character, my Haddie girl's salvation, and the needs of my friends and church family ~ LOVING the Body of Christ ~ so excited for THREE family Christmases this year ... one of them for a week at a hotel in Columbus, IN! ~ enjoying decorating our home ~ so, so thankful for our season in life - more family time, being a stay-at-home mom, growing in the Lord and in my attitude, and discovering new hobbies for myself and adventures with Haddie :)

Haddie is 6 months old!

We can't believe it!  Haddie is already 6 months old!  These posts are to share what she's doing and learning each month ... but this month, we should really be asking what is she NOT doing and learning?  She is doing so great and developing so well!  We are so proud and so grateful! :)

What the Haddie girl is doing and learning these days ...
She is sitting up on her own ~ crawling ... yep!  She doesn't have the technique down just yet, but she is definitely mobile!  Look out, world!  And look out, mama's world ... it's about to change forever! ;) ~ pulling herself up on to things ... trying to stand already but not quite strong enough ~ babbling more ~ she has this excited thing she does - she shakes and extends her arms and opens her eyes wide ... cracks us up! ~ going through the mommy phase ... wants mommy the most and doesn't go to many other people very well ~ fights sleep even harder these days ~ lots of independent play ... in her walker, exersaucer, pack 'n play, and the floor ~ still really liking Baby Einstein ~ falling on her head several times a day ... she's learning to crawl and sit and explore ... a few bumps and bruises are bound to happen ~ eating lots more solid food ... about twice a day - she loves oatmeal, rice cereal, applesauce ... and we just found out she really, really likes strawberries ... but we haven't found anything she doesn't like yet ~ still putting everything in her mouth and chewing on it ... no teeth poppin' through yet though ~ beginning to sleep longer some mornings

All around .... she is amazing!  We grow more in love with her everyday!

What Mama is doing and learning ...
I've been trying to develop a hobby ... because I have none - been thinking about tapping into the creative side of my brain with some home decor ideas and decorating/prayer project ideas for Haddie and our home ... it's a work in progress and will only happen as we have a little money for it, but I have ideas galore! ~ still going to counseling, and Darrell is even coming with me ~ started a prayer journal for Haddie ... in efforts to pray for her even more often :) ~ been feeling quite productive lately ... cooking at home more, organizing a few areas of the house, making our own baby food, getting a lot of tea packaged at The Porch for mom, caring for Haddie, packing yummy lunches for my hubby, working on communicating with my hubby, getting involved with Bible studies and other "behind-the-scenes ministries" through church, practicing thankfulness ... and my next project is finally getting some pictures developed and getting 'em up on the walls at home! ~ still working at eating better and exercising more ... still failing ... but I'm continuing to work at finding motivation ~ my hodge podge jobs are going really well, and I am so, so thankful for them ~ absolutely loving being a mama and getting to stay home with Haddie - such an incredibly humongous blessing that I thank God for just about everyday ~ still loving my Bible studies ~ thinking about starting a mommy group with my fellow church mamas after the first of the year ~ loving the way Haddie reaches for me all the time ~ still reading Battlefield of the Mind ~ praying for doors of opportunity for Darrell's job, Haddie's salvation, and that we will become a family of faithfulness, thankfulness, and selflessness

Haddie is 5 months old!

Our Haddie girl is 5 months old now and getting more fun with every new day!

What Haddie is doing and learning .....
We've officially turned the monitor off, so as far as we know, she's still sleeping through the night ... a good 8-9 hours ~ she's still grabbing for things constantly ~ putting every single thing she can get her hands on into her mouth ~ still drooling ~ she sticks her tongue out all the time ~ she recently started to make a face we like to call the "turtle face" ... so cute and hilarious! ~ drinking 6 ounces of formula every 2-3 hours ~ eating baby food a little more often ... so far, her favorites are applesauce and sweet potatoes ~ watching her own hands ~ moving around on the floor even more ... following toys she pushes around and just wanting to get moving ~ tries to sit up constantly ... she definitely gets a good ab workout everyday ~ started going to a regular babysitter most Wednesday nights while we're at Bible study ... we love you, Darian! :) ~ got through her first major sickness ... at least it was major to us! ... diarrhea :( ~ sitting in her bumbo seat regularly ~ watching Baby Einstein and loving it ~ learning to get used to a new play area (the upstairs of grandma's store, The Porch) while mommy does office work ... but she's not adjusting very well yet ~ laughing more ... especially at daddy's shenanigans ~ still loving to hear daddy sing ... it calms her right down most of the time ~ wearing lots of 6 month clothes already ~ loving funny noises (mouth sounds) ... especially when daddy does them ~ still staying the night with granny and grampy every Friday night ~ still capturing our hearts everyday!
Possibly teething and crawling very soon! :)

What Mama is doing and learning .....
Still learning to find the balance ... between being productive and just loving my little girl ~ continuing to find freedom from self-condemnation ~ beginning to find freedom from not being able to voice my needs/opinions ~ loving my Bible studies on Tuesday mornings and Wednesday nights ~ still working at praying more/reading Christian books more and watching TV/piddling less ~ actively working to communicate with my husband better ~ working three hodge podge jobs to help bring in some extra cash - babysitting, house cleaning, and office work ~ loving date nights with my Darrell, game nights with friends, and going to church every Sunday morning AS A FAMILY :):):) ~ loving smiles and laughs with my Haddie girl ~ still trying to eat better and go for more walks ... it is a daily struggle that I often fail at ~ so thankful for Darrell's new, old job ~ so thankful to be home with my Haddie girl everyday ~ so thankful we live with my parents and get to share this special season of life with them ~ so thankful my favorite time of year has officially begun (October 1st-January 1st is the BEST! ... cool weather, holidays, family get-togethers ... and this year ... all of Haddie's firsts!) ~ growing in thankfulness ... can you tell? ;) ~ praising God for His faithfulness and provision and work in our lives

Happy Monday, y'all! :)

Haddie is 4 months old!

I'm continuing to be late with Haddie's monthly posts ... oh, well.  #momlife, right? ;)



What Haddie is learning and doing ...
Grabbing on to/grasping for everything ~ chews on everything she can get her hands on ~ drools a lot ~ plays with toys everyday ~ likes noise-making toys and chewy toys the best ~ watches Baby Einstein almost everyday and engages with it more all the time ~ laughs and smiles constantly ~ makes lots of cooing and grunting sounds ~ lights up when she sees her mama and daddy - yay! ~ starting to get upset with most people outside of her parents and grandparents ~ starting to push/pull herself across the floor ever so slightly ;) ~ gets fixated on phone cameras, water bottles, fans, lights, and bright colors ~ starting to eat solid foods like oatmeal, yogurt, and mashed potatoes and is struggling to get the concept ~ can occupy herself for long periods of time ~ takes 2-3 cat-naps a day ~ still sleeping 7-8 hours a night ~ eating 5-6 ounces of formula but not quite as often as she used to ~ I know I'm forgetting some things, but there's a good list for now. :)

What Mama is learning and doing ...
Loving being home with my baby girl everyday ~ still open to finding jobs to work from home and trying to figure out what can and cannot be done with Haddie still needing quite a bit of attention ~ doing some babysitting and house cleaning a few times a month ~ still going to counseling and making some progress with accepting grace and not condemning myself all the time ~ trying to go on more walks ~ working through watching the 10 seasons of Smallville with Darrell (three seasons to go!) ~ reading Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer ~ going to a Tuesday morning ladies' Bible study and a Wednesday night young couples' study and loving them both! ~ loving my Haddie girl's smiles - she's such a happy baby! :) ~ Again, I'm sure there's more, but this is a decent list.

Happy Friday, y'all! :)

Haddie is 3 months old!

Well, I was informed recently that I don't know how to count how old my baby is.  Haha!  I guess I was counting weeks instead of months ... ya know, 4 weeks to a month.  But I didn't think about how some months have more than 4 weeks.  So I've been telling people Haddie's month birthdays wrong.  Oh, well.  August 3rd ... this past Monday ... Haddie turned 3 months old!  How exciting!



What Haddie is doing and learning ...
Drinking 5 ounces every 2-3 hours ~ sleeping an average of 7-9 hours each night ~ Talking (cooing) so much much ~ starting to see that there's a person staring back at her in the mirror ... not sure if she knows it's herself yet, but she's at least noticing something in there ~ has started tasting foods a bit ... just a few licks of pineapple, lemon, bacon, and sweet tea ~ growing like a weed! - she's already wearing 6-month sleepers and starting to fill them out, and I'm sure she will have outgrown her 3-month onesies by her next monthly blog post ~ becoming more independent with time - she can watch full episodes of Baby Einstein without a fuss or just occupy herself with overhanging toys or her own coos for a decent chunk of time ~ can barely swing in her swing anymore because she starts to push herself out - squirmy worm! :) ~ turning from belly to back ... but mom still hasn't gotten to see it but maybe once!  I just find her on her back when I get her each morning ~ engages a lot more with facial expressions and playing noises, TV/movies, music, and bright colors ~ recognizes mama and daddy and her grandparents ~ laughing, especially when mommy or daddy gets her going :)

What Mommy is doing and learning ...
Learning to accept grace and not condemn herself so much ... although I've got a long way to go, I am making progress ~ been seeing a counseling pastor for my struggles with self-condemnation, and I am beginning to experience some FREEDOM :) ~ NOT condemning myself when I miss my prayer and devotional times ~ growing to practice God's presence in many ways, not just prayer and devotional times ~ learning to let go of my to-do list and just love on my Haddie girl ~ "wheelin' and dealin', as Darrell calls it - been buying, selling, and trading baby stuff on some awesome Facebook baby pages ... been finding formula extra cheap! ~ growing in trust and thankfulness ~ doing everything I can to stay home with Haddie ~ looking for babysitting/writing/whatever jobs to make a little extra money ~ started a thankfulness journal, and it's awesome and perspective-changing! ~ LOVING the Tuesday morning ladies' Bible study I started going to recently! ~ movie marathons with Haddie ~ still trying to eat more healthy and failing ~ game nights with Darrell, Haddie, and friends ~ loving being a mom more with each day ~ slowly learning to communicate better with my husband ~ desiring to encourage my husband in the midst of a crappy job but don't always know how to ~ aching over how hard it can be to provide for a family these days ~ aching over the possibility that I may not get to stay home with Haddie much longer ... but trying to remain hopeful and do everything I can to have a good attitude and find jobs from home ~ wishing it wasn't so hard to NOT get attached to my plans ~ praying for God's wisdom and provision ~ grateful that God and my Darrell never give up on me

Lessons in Bottle Feeding

I've been meaning to write a short blurb about a lesson I've learned in feeding my daughter.  Almost every time Haddie starts to get hungry, she starts gnawing on her hand.  When she's really hungry, she will stuff half her fist in her mouth, gag herself, make grunting and sucking noises, and just plain gnaw the life outta that little hand of hers.  Ha!  I love it!  She's so funny.  If mama takes too long to get the bottle in her mouth, she'll start crying and get red in the face. ... We've chosen to formula feed, and if you use formula, you know how quick and easy it is.  It literally takes 30 seconds or so to measure out some water, scoop out the formula, and shake it.  It's wonderful stuff.  But in that little bit of time, Haddie can get so worked up.  Most of the time, she does alright ... she's a pretty laid back and happy baby.  But there are times when she freaks out a bit when she doesn't get her bottle right when she wants it.  But I get it to her as soon as I can, and many times, I find myself saying something to her like, "There ya go ... see, Haddie, mama's takin' care of you.  You're alright."

One time, a handful of weeks ago, I was saying something like this to her, and it made me think of the way we are with God.  He knows exactly what we need when we need it.  He always provides for us.  He is so faithful.  He always has been; He always will be.  We get so bent out of shape over things here on this earth.  We want what we want now, and if we don't get it, we're gonna throw a fit about it.  We worry and get upset, but in the end, God takes care of us.  Can't you hear Him now?  He's saying, "There ya go ... see, (fill in your name), Daddy's gotcha taken care of.  I'm right here.  I've got it.  Just trust Me."

So just know ... that whatever you're facing today ... God's got it.  So don't let your face get too red about it, okay? ;)

Well, she's awake again!  See you guys later!

Haddie is 2 months old!

It's amazing how fast time is flying with our sweet, baby girl!  I am continuing to learn so much about selflessness and grace, and Haddie is learning so much about what being a human on this planet is all about.  Really, she's a very happy baby.  She's had a stuffy nose for over a week, and she's still just as pleasant as ever. :)

What Haddie is doing and learning ...
Smiling so much more - yay! And she smiles at her mama the most - double yay! ~ Sleeping an average of 6-8 hours a night - yay! ~ Has had an incredibly stuffy nose for over a week now - boo! ~ Has been wearing pretty much only 3-month old clothes since she was 6 weeks old ~ Is eating 4-5 ounces at most feedings ~ Has been falling asleep during almost every feeding over the past several days ~ mostly only takes cat naps during the day ~ Her attention span is growing ... swinging the whole time I'm cooking dinner, rocking in her rock 'n play for several minutes at a time to give mommy's arms a break, and laying on her back, kicking in her crib while mommy gets a few things done here and there ~ Taking in her surroundings more ~ Can see at further distances ~ noticing people more ... especially her mommy (I don't mind that!) ~ Sitting up stronger when you help hold her up

What Mommy is doing and learning ...
Enjoying Haddie's smiles and growing attention span ~ Sad I can do nothing to help Haddie's stuffy nose ... I've asked the doctor a couple of times ~ Loving holding Haddie even more these days ~ Loving watching Haddie look around and take in her surroundings ~ learning that self-condemnation can no longer be a way of life ~ learning that it's normal to not wanna sacrifice time, energy, sleep, etc. for your baby at times ... that I should work at being less selfish but not beat myself to a pulp every single time I am selfish ~ learning that Jesus already died for all of my selfishness, ungratefulness, and unfaithfulness ... now, I just need to let go and live for Him ~ still trying to find the balance between doing what I think I should be doing and what's really most important ~ still trying to make more consistent quality time with the Lord ~ missing the time I had with Darrell before Haddie but loving being parents together ~ missing game nights with Darrell and my friends ~ praying for endurance for Darrell and his job at Pepsi ~ praying for direction about our future ~ grateful I get to stay home with my baby girl everyday ~ grateful for the incredible blessings God continues to give me every single day ~ grateful that God's mercies are new every single day

Hadassah's Birth Story

On Saturday, May 2, 2015, Darrell had to work, my dad was off to Panera for his morning bagel and reading time, and mom was working at The Porch.  So I took the morning to sleep in and putter around the house.  I spent the morning in prayer and doing my devotions ... I spent an extra long time in prayer, praying for and about Haddie - knowing she was due any day, praying about our struggle with Darrell's job, praying for my Darrell, praying for my fears about motherhood, praying that I would not be so hard on myself and that I would learn all that God wanted me to learn and become all that God wanted me to become ... I prayed about a lot of things. :)  After my quiet time, I fixed myself some lunch, walked on the treadmill for about 20 minutes, and then took a shower.  We had found out the day before that Darrell was scheduled to be off work on Sunday and Wednesday and Saturday of the coming week.  We also knew that he was allowed to take three "floating days" off of work when Haddie was to be born, so this specific week, he would only have to call off for one day ... if Haddie decided to show up this week.  So later that afternoon, I told God, "Well, Lord, I'm prayed up, showered up, and it's about the best schedule Darrell could have for Haddie's birth ... so if you'd be up for bringing her today, that would be awesome.  But all in your time, of course." ;)  Haha!  And guess what?  Darrell got home around 3pm that day, and my water broke around 4:20pm.  Who says God isn't cool???

It was a HUGE gush that I thought would never stop ... and I still wondered if my water really had broken.  Ha!  I guess I was in shock.  So Darrell and I kinda danced around the bedroom for a minute, trying to figure out what to do.  Darrell hopped in the shower while I called the hospital.  We packed up our (thankfully already packed) hospital bags full of way more than we needed (we came to find out later) and headed out.  Surprisingly, I was incredibly calm.  For those who know me well, this was a miracle!  But by the time I was told I was NOT gonna get to eat before we got to the hospital and some family called with some concerns they had about my lack of contractions after my water breaking, I was sobbing and trying not to let my quickly growing fears overtake me.  By the time I got checked in to the hospital and was hanging out in the triage room, I was so afraid I could barely stand it.  My tears were close to uncontrollable for quite a while, and they came and went until sometime after they got my IV in ... after THREE different sticks!  Geez, no wonder I couldn't stop crying, right? ... No, the nurses were very nice ... but can we get the specialized IV nurse for the first try instead of the third try next time?

I finally got some dinner around 8pm ... my last meal for over 24 hours.  And my contractions still hadn't started by 11pm, so they started me on a dissolvable pill to start my contractions for me.  I slept restlessly throughout the night and still had no feelable contractions by 5 or 6am, so they gave me the rest of the pill, and I started to feel some contractions by about 7am.  I got my epidural around 10am ... I only got to 4cm, and I was ready for it!  The epidural was a bit painful, but the anesthesiologist was amazing ... and I was so relaxed and didn't feel a thing over the next several hours.  Haddie must've been pretty comfortable where she was because I didn't start to push until a little after 5pm that night.  A huge wave of exhaustion hit me about 5 minutes before I started to push. I pushed for 3 hours ... sometime toward the beginning of hour two, I started to get incredibly discouraged because I felt like I was making no progress whatsoever.  And that discouragement quickly turned to fear, which then turned to panic.  And that's when Satan stepped in and had a hay day in my spirit!  For another hour, I pushed and cried and pushed and cried, and my fear was mounting.  Darrell was with me the whole time, and he was wonderful.  He kept telling me that everything was gonna be okay and that I was doing such a great job.  But I was so afraid.  Finally, I asked Darrell to have my mom and his mom come in to pray with us.  They prayed out loud while I sobbed. ... My epidural started to wear off by this point.  I had incredible pains under my belly ... contractions that I could definitely feel and gave me the urge to push like crazy!  Feeling that pain made me panic all the more.  I could deal with contraction pain, but what would it feel like to have (what I was about to find out was) an almost 9-pound baby come through that tiny hole!?  It may sound funny, but the pain of childbirth was my greatest fear of all, and that fear was paralyzing.  Thankfully, the anesthesiologist gave me some more pain medicine, so I didn't feel a thing when they had to vacuum my baby out and give me a stage three of four episiotomy. ... Through all the pushing and the vacuum, Haddie was amazing.  Her blood pressure never even wavered.  Unlike mom's ... when after Haddie was out, my blood pressure plummeted for what felt like several minutes.  My family told me I could have died.  I don't know about all that, but I definitely felt like I wanted to die during that time.  I remember talking to my mom after my blood pressure was back to mostly normal ... I was crying and asking her where Jesus had been.  I felt bad for my lack of faith, but I had prayed and prayed that Jesus would be in my delivery room, and with all that I went through, I didn't think He had been there.  But my mom said that Jesus WAS there ... that Satan had been fighting hard for me and my baby ... but Jesus was there, and Jesus had won.

It's difficult to really share what I went through because it was so traumatic for me but probably doesn't sound traumatic to anyone else when they hear about it.  All I know is that there was some hardcore spiritual warfare going on in my hospital room.  It started when I stepped in to that hospital, and it didn't start to slow down until at least Tuesday morning.  Sunday night and all day Monday was the worst experience of my life.  I can't describe the fear and feelings of failure and self-condemnation and hopelessness I felt during that time.  There were glimpses of joy when I got to hold my baby girl for the first time and when Darrell came and hugged and kissed me when it was all over.  But those hours in the hospital were the hardest of my life.  But what I feel the most guilty about, looking back, is that all of the trauma was in my mind.  The fear began because I was afraid of FEELING physical pain.  I was convinced that childbirth pain would be the worst pain of my life, and I wanted nothing to do with it.  That admission made me feel so incredibly selfish because I wasn't willing to go through something difficult to get my little girl.  And feeling selfish only fueled my fear.  And being fearful about pain (that I really, barely experienced) fueled my hysteria ... and Satan knew just how to attack me in the midst of it all.  If I had just trusted God and trusted the epidural, even, I would not have gone through all that I did.  I handled a lot of things badly during my pregnancy and during Haddie's birth.  And I will always regret that.  I am learning how selfish I am.  But I am also learning that I can do NOTHING without Jesus.  I am learning that I have to let go of my failures and let God pick up the slack.  He already died on the Cross and rose again for my selfishness and failures, so I don't have to keep beating myself up for them everyday.  I still have a long way to go in learning this lesson, but God's patience never runs out, and I am so, so thankful for that.  And I have to remember that growth is a PROCESS!  I HATE THAT!  But the process is what makes us more like Jesus.  So I have to learn to accept the process.

Trusting God is gonna be my greatest lesson in this new season of parenthood.  It already has been.  And I will keep trying to learn it day after day after day.  My Hadassah is so beautiful and precious and worth all the struggle I have been through to get her here.  I can't wait to learn and grow right alongside her.  We can learn about God's grace and trusting in Him together.  And so we shall.

Haddie is One Month Old!

Well, I wanna post a picture and blurb about our beautiful Hadassah Ruth once a month around her month birthday at least for her first year, but we'll see how that goes since I'm already late with the first one.  Haha!  We'll blame it on the fact that I'm a new mom, and Haddie is wonderful but a lot of work! ;)

Haddie turned a month old this past Sunday, on May 31st.  Craziness!  Everyone told me it would go by so fast and that she would change so much on a daily basis, and both of these things have been found true for our Haddie girl! :)

Haddie is learning lots of things these days and growing all the time!  In fact, we think she's going through a growth spurt already because she sleeps for longer periods of time and wants to be fed almost every moment she's awake.  Since we brought her home from the hospital, she's pretty much always given us 3-hour stretches for sleep overnight.  Occasionally, she'll only give us two ... sometimes, she'll give us 4 ... and once or twice, she has given us 5 hours of sleep all at once!!!  Haha!  Last night, she spent her first night in her own room - soooo excited about that!  We're still gonna use the baby monitor for a bit, and I only had to get up with her once.  She started lifting her head on her own before we even left the hospital and has only gotten stronger with it since.  So we're comfortable letting her sleep on her belly.  And let me just say, praise Jesus for tummy sleep!  She loves it and sleeps so well. :)

What Haddie is learning and doing ... sleeping in her own bed in her own room ~ tummy time/tummy sleep ~ lifting her head on her own without whacking mommy and daddy in the face with it ~ working on rolling over but just gets stuck on her side ~ eating 4 ounces of formula every 2-4 hours - yeah, she's gonna be a chunker! ~ learning she can't be held every moment she's awake (but not learning it all that well yet) ~ being mesmerized by lights and bright colors ~ likes looking out the window ~ likes being rocked in our arms but not in her swing ~ loves being with daddy ... daddy is so good at calming her down and playing with her (the best you can with a one-month-old) ~ going to granny and grampy's (Darrell's parents) just about every Friday night for a sleepover ~ falling asleep during every car ride ~ seems to like walks in the park - she's either taking in all the light and sights or sleeping ... both of these things say "like" to me!

What Mommy is learning and doing ... eating cold food ~ losing sleep ~ growing in her attitude about losing sleep ~ still checking to see if Haddie is breathing from time to time ~ using a baby monitor but doesn't really need it 'cause her "mommy sense" is working well ~ trying to not be so hard on herself all the time ~ learning to just enjoy Haddie and not worry about all that "needs to be done" ~ striving to fit in QUALITY times with the Lord while Haddie naps ... this is still a work in progress ~ trying to fit in some time for reading good books and failing at it ~ learning that formula is super expensive and barely lasts two days - ha! ~ learning that trusting God is the most important thing she can do with her life and Haddie's life ~ remembering on a regular basis how she can't get too attached to her own plans ~ learning Haddie's various cries and what they mean ~ learning to be patient during midnight wailing fests and early evening fussy times ~ loving just watching Haddie sleep in her arms ~ loving the short times that she and Haddie can just look into each other's eyes ~ wondering what Haddie is thinking ~ wondering if Haddie knows how much she loves her ~ loving the bond she and her hubby are creating through Haddie's life ~ loving to watch Darrell with Haddie - he is incredible with her! ~ loving to watch Haddie with all four of her grandparents - they are all absolutely smitten with her, and we are so grateful that she will know and love them and vice versa

God is definitely using this new season of life to challenge us, delight us, and teach us!  Let the adventure continue!