GoG 60: The BBF Phone Call

A week ago Tuesday, EmilyWem called me on the phone. It was our first long-distance BBF phone call. We talked for 56 minutes and 59 seconds!

And it was such a dear blessing to hear her voice. It was almost as if she were right next to me. And it reminded me that no matter how far apart we are, we will always be intimate friends ... bosom friends, to be exact. And bosomness is God's grace in action ... because I don't deserve such an amazing friend ... such a perfect match ... such my other half .... as Emily Nicole MacDonald. :)

GoG 59: The Stranger's Prayer

The very last session of the youth pastor's conference was held a week ago Monday. It was the last talk about leaving a legacy for our youth group kids. The speaker asked us to find a partner and talk about several things ... but the part that stuck out the most was when we were asked to share what we want more than anything in the world.

Somehow, I was able to get real honest with my partner. Her name was Kim. ... I shared with her that I want to marry a youth pastor ... that I don't want to be the one "in charge" forever ... that I want to work alongside someone, namely, my husband ... not have others work alongside me.

And she was surprised.

And I was surprised that she was surprised.

I have always dreamed this .... ever since I got into youth ministry, I've wanted to MARRY a youth pastor, not BE a youth pastor. ..... Now, God is good at conforming our desires to His ... so thankfully, I am in love with my position at Calvary. I LOVE being with my kids, loving on them, teaching them, encouraging them, just simply spending time with them. And I am confident that God has me where He wants me. But I still have an ache deep down ... an ache to work alongside my husband in ministry.

But to say all of that, I spilled some of this to Kim at the last session ..... and she prayed for me. And it meant so much to me that she prayed for me. A total stranger listened empathetically and prayed for me ... and I felt God moving in her prayer. .... I think it was one of the greatest blessings of the weekend.

GoG 58: The Q & A with TobyMac

So ... at the youth pastor's conference, I got to meet TobyMac!!!!! .... Well, I didn't formally meet him and shake his hand. But after his concert, he went back to this huge room for a Q & A with all of us youth pastors.

I found out that Mr. TobyMac is an incredibly humble, down to earth, fun guy who really loves the Lord. He shared all kinds of stuff with us about life on the road, his family, his time with DC Talk, his time with this new band, Diverse City ... which is his current band. Wow. He also shared his testimony, which was incredibly encouraging to me. He shared that a youth pastor led him to Christ ... it was because of someone just like me that he came to Christ!!!! .... Yes, I shouldn't boast. And I don't mean to. I just mean that the work God has called me to is MIGHTY! Just like that youth pastor who led TobyMac to Christ, I can help point my kids to Christ as well. God is and will continue to use me in the lives of my kids. And that is incredible!

The other big thing I took away from the Q & A was TobyMac's testimony about a specific prayer he's been praying for years. He said, "I've only committed to praying a few specific prayers in my life." And one of those prayers was that God would bring him godly people to walk with him, push him, call him out when he needs it, be like a family to him. And that's what his band has been to him. Diverse City is his family. And they are all godly people whom God brought alongside TobyMac. I was so encouraged because I've been desiring the same thing, but moreso than praying, I've been demanding, telling God what I need, and TobyMac's testimony helped me see how wrong I've been to do that. I was reminded that I just need to pray for God to bring the right people and trust that He will (and He already has ... and will continue to).

I was amazed at how listening to a rapper, hip-hopper guy would be sooo encouraging. It was one of the best parts of the weekend. :)

GoG 57: The Deep-Dish Pizza

I don't think I'm ever gonna get this blog 365 days thing right. At least not one per day. Ha!

Waaayyy back when .... a week ago Saturday, I believe ... my glimpse of grace came in the form of strangers asking me out to lunch. :) At the youth pastor's conference, I met a couple from Jesus the Messiah church in Indianapolis. Ha! It was funny because they know Pastor Roger (my pastor). We were awed by how small the world is. They knew I was at the conference alone and invited me to deep-dish, Chicago-style pizza for lunch the next day.

It was such a blessing because I was feeling rather alone a lot of the weekend because I didn't know anyone. .... So I got deep-dish pizza ... they paid for it. And it was such an encouragement to me. Thank you, Lord.

GoG 56: The Overflow of the Heart

Ha! So on Friday morning, I was driving the last 45 minutes to an hour to get to my hotel in Chicago where the conference was being held. There was lots of traffic, several toll road stops, and mapquest directions that I had to pay attention to ... all of these things stress me out, so I was thankful I left my hotel early. .... All was going well .... when I pulled out of my toll road stop, which was right before an exit (the one I was supposed to take), and I was disoriented because of the daggone toll road stop .... so I missed the exit. ...... Now, I am awful with directions ... I couldn't tell you which way was north, south, east, or west if my life depended on it .... and I'm actually a bit of an airhead when it comes to following directions. Sometimes, I think "there could be another exit that is called 'River Rd.'" So I'll wait until I pass it only to realize there is no other exit called "River Rd." Duh. .... Yeah ... airhead, I know.

So I miss the exit ... and I'm not familiar with this area at all. It's Chicago for crying out loud! Stressful, busy, crowded city. So after passing the exit I should have taken, I start freaking out. I may have been "alone" in the car that morning, but God definitely saw (and heard) everything. ..... I was an absolute idiot! I was so angry that I missed the exit ... I was worried I was not gonna be able to find my way back and I was gonna be late to this conference I had been looking forward to forever ... and I was mad that I didn't follow what the directions said even though they were right there in front of me!!! ..... I started yelling in my car. I started hitting the steering wheel with my hands, saying "I can't believe I didn't turn there!" "I can't believe I didn't turn there!" "What am I gonna do?!" "Aaaahhhhhh!!!!" And so on and so forth. I was really mad, like I said, and I said some things I am not proud of. ..... I ended up having to take the airport road, so it took me through the airport and really far out of my way. All the while, I was so angry, spouting off stupid things, yelling, turning red in the face ... freaking out completely. And all the while (again), I was saying, "Lord, I know you've been teaching me about being content in ALL circumstances, but I am NOT content, Lord." Again, so on and so forth. Freaking out. Acting ridiculous. Being a jerk. And an idiot. ..... And probably 10 minutes after I passed the exit I should have taken, I am back to that exit ... I pull in, and after taking another wrong turn, I make it to the Hyatt in Rosemont, Illinois - my destination. Whew!

But before I even made it to the hotel, I started repenting. I knew I was being an idiot WHILE I was being an idiot! But that didn't stop me. .... I felt stupid the rest of the morning ... and I am shamed when I think back to how ridiculous I was. .... But I took the whole experience as God's grace. Another humbling incident as God's grace? When will it end??? Ha ha! How 'bout never. ;) ...... My idiocy was God's grace because He really convicted me in the process. Some not so nice things came out when I was "alone" in that car .... some attitudes and even words that I would not want ANYONE to see or hear. And God really let me have it. He reminded me that my character was a little lacking (to say the VERY least!). Character is the stuff that comes out when no one is looking. And my "stuff" was not good stuff. Thankfully, I repented, and God forgave me. But at the same time, I am reminded that I MUST fill my spirit with good stuff, so that when the pressure's on, good stuff will come out. Good stuff is the the stuff that honors God. :) Think about Philippians 4:8 if you're not getting my drift. ;)

"For the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart." Matthew 12:34b (NASB)

And what was coming out of my mouth that day was not pretty ... what does that say about my heart? .... Whew!!! Now, that's a doozy!!!

GoG 55: The Conference

Well, I'm behind again. Are we surprised? ;) .... I was gone for 4 days over the weekend .... so that's my excuse for now.

This past weekend I went to SYMC (Simply Youth Ministry Conference). It was held in Chicago, Illinois, and it was incredible! Going to that conference is God's grace in my life ... but I'm using it at my GoG for last Thursday. Thursday night after after school, I left for Chicago. I traveled to Merrilville, Indiana and stayed in a Motel 6 for the night ... first hotel experience by myself. It was great! I took advantage of the night alone to spend some extra time with the Lord ... and it was good. :)

The entire weekend was amazing! The speakers were great - passionate and full of truth to share with us ... as well as challenges to push us in our walk with Christ and in our ministry. The sessions were full of great ideas. And I wrestled with several questions about my specific calling, my ministry at Calvary, being a woman in ministry, being single, living and ministering with abandon to Christ ... and so forth. I met cool people ... I laughed ... I cried ... I worshiped ... I wrestled in prayer and in pondering with the Lord ... it was an incredible weekend! And I got to go for free!!!! Wow ... God's grace. What a privilege to go to a conference like this. Thank you, Lord. :)

GoG 54: The Many Little Things

I think my glimpse of grace came in lots of little things today ......

~ Hugs from Andrea

~ A high five from Mathanael

~ "Making" Miss Emily's day at after school

~ Smiles from little Joseph

~ Thinking about how SYMC (Simply Youth Ministry Conference) is tomorrow!!!!

~ Hearing Mr. Doug and Mr. James (another non-Nilsen) :) say "man" about 50 times in the 5 minutes I was listening in on their conversation ... "Ah, man ... it was the Lord workin' man ... I mean, man, it had nothin' to do with me, man ... it was just the Spirit of the Lord workin', man. Ah, man ... God is faithful, man." (That was not the exact conversation, but oh, it was close!) Haha!

~ Simply thinking about how God has opened doors for ministry over the past couple of years

~ Phone call from Ben :)

All of these things were grace. Oh, I love my life! :)

GoG 53: The Monks

I'm reading a book called Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow. I'm only two chapters in ... and it is already amazing. I'm not a reader. I should be ... but I'm not. So you know this book's gotta be good! ;) Really, if you struggle with contentment, find this book! Read it fast! Heck, you can borrow it from me when I'm done, if you want. :)

Well, my glimpse of grace for today came from reading a little blurb from this book for a second time. I read the blurb when I read the chapter ... but the devotional for this week (at the end of the book) suggested I read it again. ... It was good the first time ... but the second time hit me upside the head. Ha! Wow. I'm still saying wow. ... Let me type it out for you here .......

Linda Dillow said ... "The following story of two monks helped me to put my control versus God's control into perspective."

"I need oil," said an ancient monk, so he planted an olive sapling. "Lord," he prayed, "it needs rain that its tender roots may drink and swell. Send gentle showers." And the Lord sent gentle showers. "Lord," prayed the monk, "my tree needs sun. Send sun, I pray thee." And the sun shone, gilding the dripping clouds. "Now frost, my Lord, to brace its tissues," cried the monk. And behold, the little tree stood sparkling with frost, but at evening it died.

Then the monk sought the cell of a brother monk, and told his strange experience. "I, too, planted a little tree," he said, "and see! It thrives well. But I entrust my tree to its God. He who made it knows better what it needs than a man like me. I laid no condition. I fixed not ways or means. 'Lord, send what it needs,' I prayed, 'storm or sunshine, wind, rain, or frost. Thou hast made it and Thou dost know.'"

You might want to read that story again. ;)

Here are the thoughts I wrote down in my journal after reading this little story a second time ........

The Monks:

Lord, it just hit me. Wow. I have been monk #1 all of these weeks and months. I've been crying out to you, saying, "I need a guy to help me with youth group. Lord, don't you think SoZo would be better if a really cool guy would come and help (or even take over)?" ... Ha! Although You haven't sent a guy like you sent all the sun and rain and frost for the monk, I now see that monk #1 and I have a similar mindset. We are not allowing You to be the Blessed Controller of our circumstances. Wow, Lord. .... Oh, Lord, make me more like monk #2, who surrendered his circumstances to You and trust that You were in complete control of all that his little tree needed. More and more, Lord, help me trust that You know what You're doing. Thank you, Lord, for Your faithfulness and patience. Be glorified in me.

Isn't it cool how God shows us just what we need when we need it? He loves us enough to teach us and humble us and ever remind us that we need Him. Ahh ... grace is about the coolest thing ever! :)

GoG 52: The Joy

So ... God's grace in my life today came in the form of joy.

J O Y !

I lounged around the house ... stocked the rest of my mom's shelves for her convention ... went shopping ... went to Gabe's karate practice ... worked out ... and I had joy. Joy for the entire day.

Yep ... and that's all. Joy because I am content. :)

GoG 51: The Facebook Message Reflection

So today's GoG comes from a Facebook message I wrote to Emily tonight. Why don'tcha just read a "little" (it's really a lot!) excerpt from that to get a glimpse. ;)

And all has been well this week. Andy started a sr. high Bible study this past Tuesday, and it went really well. Gosh, I'm proud of that kid! He makes SoZo worth it just by himself. But thankfully, I love ALL of my kids ... even though youth ministry is hard work! Whew! .... But I'm so excited. ... I didn't pass my Praxis exam ... so my post of "can everyone pray for Mical? ... seeking new direction" recently was related to that. But I think prayer, along with your "just live" comment, and God's grace have really helped me keep my perspective right. I started freaking out there for a few days. But I was talking to God a couple days ago, and I told Him about my worries .... and then asked, "Why am I worried though?" I'm confident in God's calling ... He wants me to work with kids and youth. And He wants me to work with my SoZo kids ... at least for the time being. And I don't need to get all caught up in "what now?" Perhaps He had His hand in the whole Praxis mess. Perhaps He wanted me to be here, now ... in Danville, IN ... at Calvary Chapel ... with my SoZo kids ... for such a time as this. I really believe that. Even with all of the drama ... the tough times, etc. I love it! And I am confident in Christ for this area of my life. .... So what if I work at the church part-time and waitress the other part ... or work at the church and work in the writing center the other part ... or whatever. If I'm called to SoZo, then I'm called to SoZo ... and I'm excited about that! :) ... Ha! You're probably wondering where all of that came from. Too funny. ... I guess these are just some realizations I've come to this week ... some ... well ... life-changing ones. ;) So that's the biggest part of my week. :)

Other than that ... I've just been helping out at after school ... and I went to a couple of small groups. One was in Indy ... some random group through College Park Church ... and another one was through Westlake. They were both good ... but I don't think I'm gonna go to them. I feel kind of bad going to a college-age group to "find a husband." Ha! 'Cause that was my mindset going in. ;) .... I might visit a few more ... I DO need to be with folks my own age. But ... I am also totally ready to just live. To just live for Jesus and let Him bring some guy in His time. Oh, I'll have my days ... my "come on, God ... where is he?" days. But I can feel real growth in this area of my life. I am slowly but surely learning to make Jesus my all ... and just live. No worries. No "when's my future husband coming?" No "what's gonna happen next?" ... etc. ... Now, don't get me wrong. I do and will continue to have my days ... don't we all? But it's encouraging to see and feel growth in this whole trust thing. :)

I've also started this book called ... ha! I've actually started two books. The Call by Os Guinness and Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow. I've been all worked up about my "calling" ... where am I supposed to be, God? What are you doing? Etc. etc. So Jeremy Wright suggested The Call. I'm not too far into it, but I'm excited to read it. And the Grace Fellowship ladies are going on a retreat next month, and the theme is contentment. .... I can't go (sadly) ... so I got the book. I started it last night ... and I can already tell that it is going to continue to mold my perspective ... maybe change it completely ... and I'm praying it will change my whole life! Good stuff, yo. :) ... And lastly, I've been and I'm continuing to get into the Word more. Pastor challenged us this morning to get into the Word all the time ... to really get into it. And I'm excited to keep trying.

Oh! Another thing! You already know this ... but I am soooo excited about that youth pastor's conference I'm going on! I leave really early Friday morning, and I am sooo excited! I'm so excited that I don't know what to do with myself! :D I think it's really going to be good. I think it's really gonna give me a spiritual push, as well as lots of great ideas and motivation, that I need to continue on in SoZo. Friday morning through Monday afternoon. Gosh, I can't wait!

Ha! Gosh, this is turning into a long reply. Are we surprised? Umm ... no. ;) .... Anyways ... I guess I say all of this ... yes, because you asked how my week was going ... but also ...
God is at work in me. He is molding me ... shaping my heart into something much bigger than myself. He's bringing me out of a huge lazy, selfish, sinful state of being that I've been in for far too long ... it's been a time that I've been trying to hide from everyone because I've been ashamed of myself. .... But God is bringing me out of my "me, me, me" slump! And I'm so excited to be growing and seeking and growing and getting excited again. :) So I share all of this to ask for prayer as well as give you an update. :) ... Could you pray that God will change my life? I know that's a big prayer, but we have a big God. :) Pray that the books I'm reading ... that His Word! ... will change my life in the coming months. Pray that this youth pastor's conference will push me and help me to change. Pray that I will throw myself into SoZo completely. Pray that I will walk in His way ... grow ... love ... live fully. :)

Ahh ... it's so nice to write. Writing really allows a girl to reflect on what she's living and learning. And you can reflect not only on blogs or in journals ... but in e-mails to BBFs. :) Yay! God's grace is amazing! :)

Contentment, Trust ... Oh, the Lessons!

"How does God enable us to be content? He infuses contentment into us through His Word. As it seeps into our minds, it transforms us. Just as a cup of tea gets stronger when we give it time to steep, so we become more content when we spend time in God's Word and allow it to seep into our lives, transforming us to be like Him."

- Page 15 of Calm my Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow

So that's why I've been so discontent lately. ... I've been really struggling in my prayer and devotions life for several months. I've wanted to grow. I've wanted to draw close to the Lord. But I haven't wanted to do the work. Like any relationship that is worthwhile, walking with the Lord is hard work. Anything good (anything GREAT!) does not come easily. ... But this is my relationship with God I'm talking about? Isn't that supposed to be the greatest desire of my heart? Why haven't I wanted to put forth this "work" so that I can simply BE with Him? ... Well, it all comes down to my own selfishness getting in the way ... but that's not really where I was headed.

The ladies from Grace Fellowship Church, my beloved second church home, are headed to their annual ladies' retreat next month. I was privileged to join them last March and had an amazing time! Sadly, I can't go with them this year. But Cindy told me about the retreat and about the book that they are basing the discussions on ... Calm My Anxious Heart. When Cindy told me the book (and the retreat) was all about contentment, I knew I had to grab hold of this book. So I picked it up at the Christian bookstore a few days ago. And my "love for reading" (yeah right) kept me from starting it until tonight. It's really good so far ... hence, pulling the quote and talking about it here. :)

There's even a 12-week devotional in the back of the book ... so I'm set for the next several weeks. :) ..... God's been dealin' with me on several issues recently. I think I'm growing in this season of waiting and change ... and God wants me to grow all the more. And I do too! More and more, I find myself wanting to be all in. And I find myself slowly coming out of my spiritual slump ... desiring more of Jesus above all else. Isn't that the way it's supposed to be? ;) .... God wants me to put away my selfish ambition. He wants me to trust Him completely with the NOW versus my future. He wants me to be content in this crazy season of friends leaving me either through marriage and babies or distance and not having a husband and not passing the Praxis ... etc. He wants me to learn to know Him better and to love Him more with each day ... with every breath.

Contentment is only one lesson. But I only have one life. So let's learn this lesson of life ... a content life ... content in Christ alone. :)

GoG 50: The Teenagers

I sighed tonight while walking out of the SoZo room.

I sighed and smiled.

I sighed and smiled and shrugged my shoulders with joy because I get to work in my heart's desire. ... I get to talk with teenagers ... laugh with teenagers ... teach teenagers more about living for Jesus ... watch teenagers grow in Jesus ... simply love on teenagers ... my teenagers - my SoZo kids.

We had a movie and pizza night at the church tonight, and while I was there, I got another glimpse of God's grace ... my teenagers. :)