Currently ... (Stolen from Emily)

I'm stealing this idea from Emily's blog over at "The Thought Spot ..." ...........

Currently, I am ...

~ Watching ...
Lost.
Yes, everyone has already told me I should stop now before it's too late.  Haha!  I hear the ending is pretty lame ... but I'm too hooked to quit.  So I guess I'll be disappointed like everyone else; I'll be bummed I didn't stop when everyone told me to; and then I'll move on to Downton Abbey.
Justice League.
I think Darrell has given up trying to watch this WITH me, which is okay.  But we started watching it together ... but when we watched it late at night, I just couldn't keep my eyes open.  (I can't do that with any show late at night though!)  So I think he moved on without me.

~ Reading ...
My ESV Bible.
Almost everyday. :)  The past couple of weeks were a real struggle, but before and after that ... almost everyday.  Yay!  Been lovin' me some Psalm 37:3!
When Perfect Isn't Enough by Nancy Kennedy.
It's a book/devotional that I've been working through for quite some time.  It's all about the Proverbs 31 woman.  Lots of human, even more great questions to ponder and Scripture to soak up and think about.  My journal is full of thoughts about the Proverbs 31 woman.  It's so great!
Boundaries by Cloud/Townsend.
Not sure I can count this as what I'm currently reading 'cause I don't know when I last read part of it.  But I started reading it several weeks ago, didn't even make it through the first chapter, and it's been sitting on the top shelf of my bookcase ready to read ever since.
Freedom Writers Diary.
Again, I probably can't count this one either.  I started reading this the day of my big Praxis exam but haven't read any of it since ... and that was over a month ago.
I may be the worst reader ever!

~ Eating ...
Junk food.
Yeah.  I've been really struggling to eat well for several months now.  It's so easy to get in a rut.  And when your husband thinks you're the "sexiest woman in the world," it's easy to say, "I'm good enough for my husband, so that's good enough for me."  But I do want to be healthier and have more energy and lose a little weight ... so I am still trying to do better.
Trader Joe's/Organic and All-Natural Foods.
I will say I have been doing our grocery shopping at Trader Joe's and the organic/all-natural sections of Meijer for the past 6 months ... so I'm making progress.  And boy, do I love Trader Joe's!

~ Drinking ...
Sweet tea!
Yep, I'm addicted.  Overall, I am drinking less sweet tea than I used to ... but I'm not sure I'll ever give it up.
Water.
I am working at drinking more water than anything else!

~ Learning ...
Psalm 37:3.
"Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land, and befriend faithfulness."  I am learning more and more to trust God completely, even when I don't understand or like what's going on.  I am learning that God is more concerned with our faithfulness than our happiness or success or even fulfilling His calling for our lives ... because that IS His ultimate calling for our lives - to be faithful no matter where we're at or what we're doing.
Thankfulness.
I am learning to replace bad attitudes and discontentment and not being a teacher with thankfulness.  I am learning to praise and thank God instead of complaining.

This was fun!  You should do it too!  I'll ask what Emily asked ...
What are YOU doing CURRENTLY??? :)

Something I'm Learning ... and Learning ... and Learning :)

I totally understand the struggle in figuring out God's will. I've been trying to figure it out since I graduated from high school. Honestly, it's been incredibly discouraging at times ... but ya know, I'm learning that ultimately, God just wants our faithfulness. He wants us to be faithful where He's got us, even when we don't understand it, even when we don't like it, even when we ache for something more or something different.


Psalm 37:3 is my life verse ... "Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land, and befriend faithfulness." It's the key to life! Really, it is! God has a plan for our lives, yes. But really ... He just wants us to trust Him no matter where we are or what we're doing, do good to the people around us and in this crazy world, be all in (dwell in the land) where He's got us (or at the very least, endure where we are! haha!), and be faithful to Him, to our spouses, to our friends and families, and to the people and tasks He's called us to now.

This has been such a hard lesson for me to learn ... and I'm not done learning it! ... Sheesh, I'm crying as I'm typing this because God has just been so at work in me about this lately. I am so thankful! God is just so faithful ... and He NEVER leaves me. I am just so thankful. I have been learning this lesson even more so lately because God has not allowed me to pass my Praxis exam to become a teacher for several years now.  I've nearly given up more than once.  But I recently tried again ... and I passed (one of the two tests at least)!!!  And I am taking steps toward becoming a teacher once again.  But for a long time, I struggled with some bitterness, some frustration, and just some flat out discouragement because I couldn't have my dream job.  I could never have what I believe God had promised me.  But what I've found is that, over the past several years, God has been growing me!  He has been growing me in HIS dream job for me (simply to be faithful no matter where I'm at or what I'm doing), and He has been growing me in trusting Him more.

I have my moments, but I can honestly and wholeheartedly say that no matter what happens with this Praxis exam, I'm cool.  I'm not worried.  Even if I don't get hired as a teacher right away ... or ever.  Even if we can't afford the Transition to Teaching program that I have to finish before I can truly solidify a job.  Even if I get pregnant and don't teach because I'm staying home with our baby (haha!  Don't think about that one too hard ... I'm just saying ... it could happen. ;)).  Even if I have to work in a job I'm not very excited about (I'm learning another lesson concerning this too - thankfulness!)  No matter what.  I'm good with whatever God wants to do.  And I feel such peace.  That is HUGE for me.  Peace comes from trusting God.  I have grown in my trust of God.  And I think, in the end, that's the greatest lesson you can learn on this planet ... to trust God with all your heart. ... Things are gonna change.  Finances are gonna be tight.  You're gonna get pregnant when you least expect it (or at the very least, you aren't gonna have a clue how to raise the kid even if you knew he was coming!).  You're gonna say something stupid to make your husband feel bad.  He's gonna say something stupid to you too.  You're gonna be selfish.  You're gonna be dissatisfied with your job or your flabby belly or your attitude or your season of life.  Your loved one is going to die.  Things are gonna change.  You're gonna like some of it, hate some of it, be unsure of some of it, love some of it .... But in the end, this life is crazy!  And the greatest thing we can do is TRUST IN JESUS!

Every time I hear that phrase "Trust in Jesus," I think of the Third Day song ... here are the lyrics to the chorus ...
What I've done is ...

Trust in Jesus.
My great Deliverer,
My strong Defender,
The Son of God.
I trust in Jesus,
Blessed Redeemer,
My Lord forever.
The Holy One, the Holy One.


My advice? Pursue your dreams, and be faithful. I am learning that God's purpose and provision are perfect, and I just need to trust Him in it all. And believe me! It is a constant lesson! But God is so patient with me.

Psalm 37:3 ... I know you wanna read this precious verse again!  So here it is ...

PSALM 37:3
TRUST IN THE LORD, AND DO GOOD; DWELL IN THE LAND, AND BEFRIEND FAITHFULNESS.

I Will Trust in Him

Do you ever think about how fast life is going?  Do you ever wonder what you could accomplish if you had all the time in the world, if you didn't get so distracted with silly things, if you were completely unselfish?  Do you ever wish you were a more disciplined person?

Over the past few months, I have been in a yearning mood.  I might be the most blessed person I know ... I'm not bragging; I'm just being thankful.  But at the same time, I want more.  Not more stuff.  Just ... I want to live more abundantly ... really LIVE to the fullest.  I want to be healthy and active ... heck, I'd settle for fitting back into my size 14 jeans again.  Dang!  Haha!  I wanna be a prayer warrior.  I wanna grow in my spiritual gifts.  I don't know if I have ALL of these, but I sure do have the potential for 'em: administration, encouragement, faith, helps, giving, and hospitality.  I wanna serve my husband with all my heart and stay on top of things around the house ... pray for him, say encouraging things to him, pack his lunches, fix his breakfasts, make sure he never runs out of clean underwear, play video games with him, rub his back ... ya know, things that he really appreciates.  I wanna be more intentional in all of my relationships ... stay in better touch with my friends, pray more for my friends and my SoZo kids and my family, go to the SoZo-ers' sporting events and music performances, write letters of encouragement to people, smile, and live in thankfulness so that others (and myself) will be uplifted.  I wanna go on more walks and look up at the sky and soak up the sun.  I wanna cherish my quiet times with the Lord and grow in trust.  I wanna trust in the Lord and do good and dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.  I wanna honor Jesus, think on His thoughts, thank and praise Him, and just LIVE for Him every second of every day.  I want my fulfillment to come from Him alone.

But I think, instead, I condemn myself.  I beat myself into the ground day after day because I'm not perfect ... because I am not disciplined ... because I burned a piece of flipping toast!  Why do I freak out and hate myself when I burn a piece of garlic bread for my husband's dinner?  Why do I cry myself to sleep when I say something that hurts my husband's feelings?  And then wake up grouchy the next morning because I feel like the most selfish person on the planet?  The list could go on and on, but these are the kinds of things I beat myself up about.  Ridiculous, I know.  But I don't know how to stop.  I've asked God to show me what grace really means.  And if I can accept God's grace .... well, maybe that's just it.  Maybe I DON'T accept God's grace.  Hmm ... maybe I just accepted God's grace for my salvation.  Maybe I thought it was a one time thing, and now I'm on my own.  Deep down, I know that God's mercies are new everyday ... but how do I move that from my head to my heart?  It was for freedom that Christ set you free (Galatians 5:1)!  Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1)! ... I know all those by heart ... but they're not really in my heart, are they?  Not if I beat myself silly every day of my life.

And I've often wondered this ... is it pride, or is it insecurity?  Am I that stinkin' vain?  Do I think I'm such big stuff that I could even have a chance at being perfect?  Or am I just that insecure?  Do I think that little of myself that I have to be perfect to be worth anything? ... I honestly don't know.  I don't like the sound of either one of those though.

So I will keep praying.  I will keep praying for an eternal perspective ... to see myself with God's eyes.  'Cause I know God loves me.  I know He cares about my little life and thinks it's big!  I know He has mighty plans for me.  I know that He's not done with me yet (Philippians 1:6).  I know that He will never leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:6).  I know that He is my strength and my portion (Psalm 73:26).  Yep, I know all those too.  But again with the "knowing."  I know it in my head but not in my heart.  I suppose that will be my new prayer ... that God's Truth will saturate not just my mind but my heart as well.  God is faithful.  He will help me overcome these struggles.  And make me stronger in the process.  I will trust in Him.

Imperfect Progress

Hello! ... It's hard to believe it's been nearly 11 months since my last post.  My life has changed so much since May 2012.  My last post was just a few days before my beautiful, amazing husband proposed to me.  Yep, he proposed on May 21st last year.  We were married on September 15th.  And we just moved into our new and awesome apartment on March 30th ... just 3 days ago.

So much has happened.  It's simply amazing how God works in our lives each day ... and the seasons He brings us in and out of.  The seasons of life are always changing, aren't they?  In one way or another.  Relationships ... jobs ... lessons we're learning ... home addresses ... attitudes ... eating habits ... friendships ... perspectives ... dreams ... goals.  If it's not one thing, it's many things.  If it's not many things, it's one thing.  Something is always changing in our lives.  And change is good.  I know that's hard to believe at times, but change really is good.  Changes in life's relationships and circumstances and seasons are so incredibly important because they help us become the person we wanna be, the person we're supposed to be, and the person God called us to be.

I so badly want to be ALL that God has called me to be.  It is the greatest desire of my heart.  I struggle ... daily! ... with the CHANGE that requires.  If I wanna be everything God intended me to be, I must change my daily habits and attitudes.  While my flesh screams and wails about lazy and selfish pleasures, my heart cries out for godly, productive, and eternal joys. ... I wanna do better.  I wanna honor God with my mind, with the condition of my heart, with my relationships, with the way I take care of my body, with finances, with my Christian walk.  I fail so often, and I get caught up in my failures probably even more often. ... I don't wanna focus on my failures anymore.  I wanna focus on baby steps.  Better yet, I wanna steal Lysa TerKeurst's phrase and make it my own: I wanna live each day with IMPERFECT PROGRESS.  As long as I'm moving forward, I am making progress.  No matter how slow ... no matter how much I struggle in opposition ... no matter how many times I "fail."  I don't have to be perfect.

Mical, did you hear that?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT!!!!!

I've spent my whole life striving.  The definition of striving is "struggling in opposition."  Striving is a good thing ... really it is.  Life is hard.  We must constantly fight against the flesh.  That is a good thing to do ... a MUST!  But striving isn't always good the way I do it.  I don't always struggle in opposition with God.  Often, I struggle in opposition with myself.  Me.  How can I overcome this?  How can I make myself better?  How can I be closer to perfect? ... And that's just NOT what God wants us to do with ourselves.  He wants the focus off ourselves and on Him.  He desires progress, not perfection.  He hopes that we thrive instead of strive.  And that's what I want too!  I wanna love God with all my heart, mind, and strength.  I want to love my husband with selfless love and be his helper.  I want to encourage the world.  I want to treat my body as a temple and get healthy.  I wanna crave God's Word and be a prayer warrior. ... I DON'T wanna be perfect.  I wanna be who GOD wants me to be and do what GOD wants me to do.  And all God desires is a pure heart and imperfect progress.

I'll Follow

"You lead, I'll follow, Your hands hold my tomorrow,
Your grip, Your grace, You know the way,
You guide me tenderly,
When you lead, I'll follow,
Just light the way and I'll go,
Cause I know what you got for me is more than I can see,
So lead me on, on, on and on,
Just lead me on, on, on and on."


For some reason, every time I hear these words, I get all choked up.  They are the chorus to one of my all-time favorite songs ... "You Lead" by Jamie Grace.  Seriously.  What is the deal?  Pretty much every single time I hear this song ... as soon as the chorus comes on, I can't sing it 'cause I'm too busy almost crying. ... These words are just so powerful to me.  They are such a precious promise to me and for me ... and you too.  When we give up control of our lives and our future and our everyday circumstances and let God do the leading, He holds us steady.  His grace is more than enough to get us through anything.  He KNOWS the way ... He MADE the way, for crying out loud!  So He WILL guide us in that way.  Isn't that incredible to think about??? :)  So when we follow wholeheartedly ... when we accept and trust that God knows what He's got in store for us and believe that it is sooooo much better than anything we could ever come up with, then He holds us tight and leads us where we should go.  Everyday.  In every situation.


That is powerful stuff, people!  What an incredible promise from the God of the Universe, who cares about each and every one of us enough to have a plan for us and then guide us through that plan!  He doesn't just create us and then leave us.  He is ALIVE and ACTIVE in our lives!  All we have to do is have a relationship with Him and allow Him to LEAD us in the way we should go. ... So cool.  It is a promise.  And it is my prayer for my life ...


God, when you lead, I'll follow.
I'll follow.
I'LL FOLLOW!
So lead me on and on, on and on.

CHOSEN

1 Peter 2:9-10
"But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for His own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light.  Once you were not a people, but now you are God's people; once you had not received mercy, but no you have received mercy."

God chose me, has given me an eternal inheritance, set me apart for His own purposes, and adopted me as His child SO THAT I can proclaim His excellencies, SO THAT I can live for HIS GLORY.  And as a bonus, He has poured His mercy all over my life.  How incredible!  Today, that word “CHOSEN” is MY word.  That word CHOSEN is for me!  God CHOSE me!  He picked me out at the foundation of the world … to love Him, honor Him, serve Him … be all for Him.  That is so beyond any gift I could ever imagine, beyond any gift I could ever be given.  Thank you, Jesus!

A Resolution

I think the best thing I can do – today – to help me really glean all I can from this season of life is to commit the end of every single day to going deeper in the Lord. I MUST make the time at the end of EVERY day … even when I’m tired, even when I’ve been out dancing or out with Darrell or with SoZo … no matter what I’ve done with my evening … I MUST keep my time with the Lord sacred. If I can be faithful in that one thing, my entire life will continue to be transformed. As I press into Jesus more, my perspective will be completely changed and molded into what He wants it to be … just like my So Long, Insecurity devotional talked about - Hebrews 12:1-2 … God perfects our way of thinking as we fix our eyes on Jesus more and more over time. … Yeah! That’s what I want! I want my mind to be renewed, perfected, and honoring to Jesus. So I MUST stay plugged into the Source, reading my Bible, talking to God, digging deeper every single day. I will continue to do this everyday.

The Demon in the Gloves

We have an unusual, frustrating, comical, and yet very real problem at The Porch: there is a demon who lives in the right hand of every dishwashing glove my mom has ever bought. Yep, you heard me right ... a demon.

We do a lot of dishes at The Porch ... I mean A LOT of dishes. When you own a restaurant, you're gonna have to do dishes ... it's just part of the job - a big part. Well, you gotta have gloves for all those dishes so that your hands don't get pruney, old-looking, dry, and hard as time goes by. My mom, being the wonderfully compassionate and gifted boss that she is, always makes sure that we have dishwashing gloves in stock. And somehow, even in the midst of a demon, she never gives up buying her employees gloves. And if you only knew how many pairs of gloves we've really gone through 'cause I know they're not all in this picture. Without fail, the right-handed glove of every pair my mom has ever bought has gotten a hole in it from something ... a glass gets broken in the sink, a fork or a knife is hiding under the soap suds ... heck! Just yesterday, a piece of plastic sliced through my right-handed glove. The possibilities are endless! Sheesh. But to no end, it's always the right-handed glove that gets a hole in it! I don't think we've ever thrown away a left-handed glove before.

And tell me ... what is more annoying than going to wash the dishes by hand just to find that your hand is getting wet, smelly, and itchy inside that daggone right-handed glove (that you just bought, by the way!)?? As if doing the dishes wasn't trying enough, right? Hahahaha! That's why I'm convinced it's a demon! Only demons are THAT persistent and THAT stinkin' annoying! ...... So if you have a demon in your LEFT-handed dishwashing gloves, never fear! We have the answer for you at The Porch ... 2411 E. Main Street in Danville! Perhaps if we stand together, we can defeat the demon in the gloves!!!! Don't lose heart! The dishes must be done!

Snuffer

So awhile ago, I was reading through Exodus, and I stumbled across a super fun word. Like all the books of the Bible, Exodus is a pretty cool book ... but somewhere in the middle, and for several chapters afterward, it gets a bit dry. It talks about the tabernacle and how tall and wide and such it was supposed to be ... about the high priests and what color their robes should be and what fabric they should be made out of ... and on and on. Not sure why God wanted that in there, but I'm sure He has His reasons. ... Well, anyways ... I was reading through Exodus, and honestly? Was bored out of my mind ... and then I stumbled across the word "snuffer." Yes, I am not joking! SNUFFER! Isn't that an awesome word?? ... Well, I didn't have a clue what it was. I tried reading the same verse in the New Living Translation to see if another word was used, a word I actually knew. Nope. There it was again ... snuffer. Later that week, I told my mom about the word, snuffer, and she asked, "Well, don't you know what that is?" And I said no. So she walks into the next room (we were at The Porch at the time), grabs something off the shelf, and brings it in to show me. It was a SNUFFER!!! Come to find out ... snuffers are tools used to put out candles (shown in the picture above). You cover the lit candle wick with the bell-looking end of this little do-dad, and it puts out the fire. Cool, huh? Ha! Well, of course, I laughed out loud to find out what a snuffer actually is ... and I laughed even harder that my mom not only had one handy, but she sells 'em at The Porch! ... So if you're looking for a snuffer (and you know you are!!! Who wouldn't be looking for a snuffer? Seriously!), we have not one, but TWO, in stock at The Porch! Just sayin' ...

Exodus 25:38 - "Its snuffers and their trays shall be of pure gold."

I can be content through Christ who strengthens me!

Wow. God is bringing lots of ideas about Himself to my mind tonight. I guess that's what ya get when you try to read THREE separate books AND your Bible for your devotions all in one night! Whew! My brain is about to shut off from fullness! But before it shuts off ... one more thought comes to mind.

Just about everyone has heard Philippians 4:13 ... "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" But how many people think about the context? I haven't thought much about it either. But I wanted to get one encouraging thought out while I'm thinking about it. ... So often, when I've heard Philippians 4:13, people go on and on about how they can do ANYTHING with God's strength. I don't disagree with this idea, but I think it's important that we think about the context of this verse. I've seen this verse plastered on billboards ... a picture of a body builder who believes he can lift some ridiculous amount of weight because "he can do ALL things through Christ who gives him strength." And sure, God could give him the strength to do that. I doubt it. But He could. But the context. Let's think about that for a moment ...

The verses surrounding Philippians 4:13 are all about God providing for Paul's needs. And verses 11 and 12 are about Paul grasping contentment, learning to be content, stinkin' BEING content NO MATTER what his circumstances ... and his circumstances were pretty crummy. So even though God could totally help a really strong guy be even stronger and lift a really heavy weight, that's not the point here. The point is that God can give us the strength to be content (and that's a pretty huge thing 'cause contentment is often hard to come by in this crazy, unstable life). With God's strength (His Holy Spirit's POWER living and working inside of us!), we can be content whether we're excited about our season of life or not.

And I don't know about you, but when I think of God's strength enabling me to be content in every situation, I get excited! 'Cause contentment is a terror at times! ... So please, keep believing you can do ANYTHING with God's strength at work in you ... 'cause He's just that powerful. But don't forget to be realistic ... to seek God out for the right kind of strength for your circumstances.

Okay ... that's all for now. This full brain is going to bed. Good night, y'all! :)

FOTS: Peace

On to the next Fruit of the Spirit post! It's only been several weeks since my last FOTS, so let's go! ;)

I'm so excited to hash out a few ideas about peace. What a precious gift. ... If you've struggled with worry, turmoil, or fear recently, you know how precious peace is. A definition of peace (or serenity) is this ... "calmness of mind; evenness of temper; undisturbed state; coolness." Calm. Undisturbed. Don't you like the sound of that? ... Now, I'm a Spunky, Spazzy Sanguine, so "calm" is not really in my reality most of the time ... if ever. Worry? Now, that's more me. I know ... worry = bad ... peace = good. I'm working on it.

I've been struggling a lot with fear over the past several weeks. It's hard to tell you what the fear is all about. Several things feed into it, I think. I'll just say that it's been overwhelming me, even emotionally crippling me, in some ways. It's been quite the battle. A battle for my heart and future. ... But I'm finally beginning to win. Perspective really is everything. Listening to the Holy Spirit is everything. In fact, here's a great solution for you ...

Perspective + the Holy Spirit = Peace

Isn't that great? Wow! You didn't know you were gonna get the answers to REAL and FULFILLED life in Christ just by reading a blog post, huh? Haha! Well, good job, God! Thanks! .......... Huh. Wow, that's kind of fun. I knew I was excited about digging deeper about peace tonight. :) ... Anyways ... what a solution! As we listen to and apply what God is teaching us, the Holy Spirit transforms our perspective. And as we begin to see things the way God sees them, we find peace. God's perspective of life is undisturbed and untainted, and it can be unleashed in our lives if we'll just grab hold of it. And ultimately, the only way to grab hold of peace is to seek hard after Jesus. One way I have been doing that is by being sensitive to the Holy Spirit's moving in my life. I've been feeling His presence and hearing Him speak to my heart more in the past 6 months than probably in all of the rest of my life put together. I wish it were easier to describe how. I guess, really, He's speaking through God's Word, through music, and through gentle nudges. I'm trying to be specific here. :) The Holy Spirit is the part of God that makes the Word come alive in us! It is only through the Holy Spirit's work in our lives that we can experience, know, and receive what God wants for us. The Holy Spirit can make song lyrics, and even the music, itself, speak volumes into our hearts and minds, slowly changing our perspective. And the Holy Spirit moves us to action through gentle nudges ... maybe you know those moments as "God tugging on your heart."

Wow ... I'm kind of getting off the subject here. I guess I'm just trying to say that I am growing in peace these days. After quite a while of fearing, I'm beginning to embrace God's peace. The more I learn to listen to the Holy Spirit and trust what God is doing in my life, the more I experience peace. ... Let me leave you with a few great verses about God's precious peace ...

Isaiah 26:3 - "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You because he trusts in You."

Hey, look! There's that word "trust" again. When do we receive peace? When we TRUST GOD!

John 16:33 - "I have said these things to you so that in Me you may have peace. In this world, you will have tribulation. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

That's Jesus talking ... just in case you were wondering. :D

Philippians 4:7 - "And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Surpasses all understanding ... oh, yeah! :)

Perspective + the Holy Spirit = Peace

Take that, fear!

Just some thoughts about Trust, God's Will, and the Holy Spirit ...

What do you think about when you hear the word "trust" ???

For me, I think of dread. I've been finding out more and more over the past few years that I really struggle with trust. Trusting God. Trusting people. Trusting myself. ... I hate to say it, but I really hate not being in control. I know that every human being on the planet struggles with this to some degree. I guess it's our sinful nature. Sin is so much in opposition to God that it won't let up without a fight ... a HUGE one! And all-out WAR, for crying out loud! ... But I do think some people struggle with trust more than others, and sadly, I'm one of those "some."

Do you ever find yourself praying for change? I've been in a fairly consistent battle with myself about my life. I enjoy what I'm doing and experiencing ... I love dance, my teenagers, and working in such flexible jobs. I love my church and living at home. I love being free to do whatever I want when I want. I love growing in the Lord. All of these things are happening in my life now. But there's still a part of me (that's bigger some days than others) that wants out, wants something new, wants change. I am fairly content ... yet restless at the same time. I am determined to be faithful where I am, with what I'm doing, until God moves me. But I have been praying for God's will to HAPPEN. I've been praying that I would be faithful but that God would bring something new ... a new adventure.

Lately, I've been feeling like that something new is coming - and soon! And isn't it ridiculous? Now that I think it's coming, I'm scared out of my mind! I don't know what the "something" is, mind you. But just the thought of any kind of change scares me. Isn't that dumb? I pray for something, and then when I get it, I freak out? Are you kidding me? ... But it all goes back to that trust thing.

I was sitting in my church's office last night crying, talking to God. I was distraught over the thought that I don't trust Him. My heart was breaking over the matter. As if being God of the Universe wasn't enough ... God reaches down into my life every single day and loves me, teaches me, gives me joy and hope and purpose and strength. God, the biggest, most mighty, most powerful Being in existence takes the time to be in a personal relationship with me. ME. God is eternally faithful to me. And yet, I still do not trust Him. So I was crying out to God last night, telling Him how sorry I am for not trusting Him and asking Him for strength to trust Him, really trust Him, with my entire life.

And then I listened to a sermon by John MacArthur today. So powerful. And I'm just so thankful that God, in all of His faithfulness once again, brings His Truth and Hope (and the real Answer to my lack of faith) to my attention right when I need it. All weekend He's been doing that ... things like, calling my best friend at 1:30am on Sunday morning, having some of the most cherished woman in my life come pray with me, speaking to me through worship and Pastor's sermon on Sunday, having an incredible afternoon with my teenagers and the Calvary kids, sitting in a church office crying, a friend being up for a walk in the park one of these days, a John MacArthur sermon. All of these things are God's faithfulness and care in my life in just one weekend. ... And MacArthur's sermon is just such a great reminder to me ...

I'm sure many Christians wrestle with God's will ... I know I do. And my trust issue makes me want to have "all my ducks in a row" before I do anything, before I step out into something new ... often, no matter how big or small. And MacArthur's sermon really hit me hard. All 5 "S's" that he shared were right on, but the second, being Spirit-filled, was the ONE. And so cool ... because God's been working on me about this for a few weeks now ... through having me dwell on the Fruit of the Spirit and sending me little tuggings of the Holy Spirit in my personal life and even blurbs from books about the Holy Spirit's work in our everyday lives. There He goes again, being faithful to me! ... You see, we must be filled with the Holy Spirit; we must be conscious of the Holy Spirit at work in our lives and follow His leading in order to get rid of our fear, anxiety, anger, bitterness, jealousy ... anything we are struggling with. My trust issue is rooted in fear ... fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of change. Bluck. But if I want to get rid of this fear, I MUST be Spirit-filled. I must be walking closely with the Lord every single day. I must be getting into the Word as much as possible. If I want to build up my trust level, I must be connected to the Holy Spirit at work in my life.

Do you ever forget that? I sure hope I'm not the only one! I just have to keep trying. And I need to do what I also read recently, to "do things afraid." I may be afraid of something, but I need to go for it anyway. Do it afraid. And God will be with me. ... I hope this is encouraging for somebody out there in blogger world. It's just something I'm struggling with and learning ... and planning to overcome! :)