So much for 30 days of devos ... wow. I've missed, what? 3 days? Ha!
Last night was a rough night.
I found out that the payroll company didn't withhold enough taxes last year, so I owe the government $700. Yeah ... lame.
Well, that's a bummer but not the end of the world.
But it still put me in a funk ... a big one.
"Stupid money" turned into "I don't have $700, nor will I have $700 by Tax Day" ... which turned into "I don't make enough money" ... which turned into "Well, if I'd only passed the Praxis, I'd be a teacher, and I'd be making some money, saving it back, and able to pay this stupid $700 without a problem." And then this one took a turn for the really bad. "I failed the Praxis so many times." "I failed." ...... "I'm a failure." "I am a screw up." "I. Am. Worthless."
Yeah. Big one. I told you.
Oh my gosh. I don't know how the mind does this ... takes something so silly waaayyyy too far!
Oh, man. It was awful. I cried for more than an hour, wallowing in my "worthlessness." ... I was feeling it bad. For a while, I really believed that I was worthless. And in feeling worthless, I felt ashamed for feeling worthless, which made me feel even worse.
I kept thinking over and over again ... what is the deal? Why do I feel this way? Man, this is bad. But I discovered something about myself ... something I don't like. The core of any of my "depths of despair" days is believing lies from Satan. I know it is a lie, but far too often, I fall for it. On a fairly regular basis, I believe that I am worthless. I think that is the root of my insecurities ... I believe that I am a screw up, a failure, a worthless person.
Can you believe that? I'm having trouble believing it ... 'cause I'm a child of God. I AM VALUABLE TO HIM!!! And of GREAT value, at that! So how can I believe that I am worthless ... that I'm not enough? .... Somehow, I have based my value on my own performance. And I guess that doesn't seem too far-fetched ... perhaps a lot of people do it ... but me? How could it be me? I'm supposed to have it together? ... Ha! See!!!! Oh my gosh!
Ya see ... I have tricked myself into thinking that I SHOULD be perfect ... that I CAN be! What??? .... Only Jesus is perfect. So what is my problem? My problem is I'm listening to the Devil's lies ... I'm believing them. I'm believing them. And believing the lies has been holding me in a state of fear. Fear of messing up ... fear of disappointing someone ... fear of not reaching my own standards. It's totally ridiculous.
... So after my crazy pity party, I finally grabbed my devotional book and my Bible. And guess what my next chapter was about? Living in the Miracle of WHO I AM!!!" ... And here is the prayer that came out of it ....
"Lord, here I am wallowing in my despair, feeling more worthless than perhaps I've ever felt ... feeling like a failure ... why me? And you bring this devotion to me. You remind me that you made me on purpose, that you have a plan for me, that you are God. How easily I lose your perspective! Oh, Jesus, I need your help. Please keep me from feeling worthless. Remind me that you CHOSE me, you've CALLED me, and you LOVE me. Please continue showing me what to do. Give me clear direction, and give me a peace that passes all understanding. Keep me, Lord. Sustain me. I need you. And please, God, be glorified in my life."
So it's gonna be a process ... coming out of fear and despair and feelings of failure often take a while. But I'm gonna work at not believing Satan's lies and work at seeing myself the way God sees me. ... Hey, there's that eternal perspective again! Man, it is a difficult thing to learn and around every corner!
I am of great value to God.