Well, "The Greatest Passion of My Life" post was actually a tangent ... what's new? I'm the Tangent Queen. :) ... I started writing, and the words kept going and going and going. What I meant to write about is what I mentioned at the very end of my last post .... "the progress in my surrending/crying fits concerning my love life." Ha! Whatever.
I've been reading a book called Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot. It's a tiny book ... I'm only half way through it. And I've been reading it for several months now. Yep, I'm a huge slacker when it comes to reading. My Bible is the only book I read consistently. At least I've got that going for me, huh? ;) .... Anyway (tangents - yes!!!) .... this book is amazing! It's a tough read 'cause it's so full of "jump off the page and smack ya in the head" moments. I was reading a chapter on Sunday morning while I was waiting for my mom to finish getting ready for church. .... I really remember nothing from the chapter but this small paragraph:
My heart was saying, "Lord, take away this longing, or give me that for which I long." The Lord was answering, "I must teach you to long for something better."
Oh my gosh! I lost it. I was lying on my bed, and I remember saying .... "Really, Lord? Are you really gonna throw that at me?" .... out loud to myself. I kind of let out a chuckle. But it was one of those quiet moments before the storm. I laughed a little, and then I started sobbing! I think those two little lines impacted me more than anything I've ever read. God's word has done that to me a few times ... but other than that, those two lines were more powerful than anything, ever.
They were, and still are, so powerful because these two lines sum up my life over the past 9 months. I've had huge things happen to me over the past year. (I'll admit that they mean absolutely nothing in light of eternity ... but hey, they were still huge disappointments that have left scars on my heart.) They totally turned my life upside down .... totally broke my heart .... and I will be honest and say that I still fight bitterness about them from time to time. And I'll admit that I get upset with God about them sometimes. I'm not upset with the people and situations surrounding the events. But I do throw a bit of a fit at times when I'm talking to God about 'em ... or when they come up in conversation. Yes, I still need to totally surrender these things ... I'm workin' on it. But in the meantime, God doesn't mind that we disagree with Him ... I'm convinced of that. So I have serious talks with Him from time to time, asking Him questions about why He allowed these things to happen ... about why He took away my greatest dreams. ..... And He calmly and quietly says, "My child, I must teach you to dream the dreams I have for you."
Man. What a blow! When I get all caught up in my OWN dreams, my OWN desires, my OWN, my OWN, my OWN .... it's bound to fall apart. There was nothing wrong with the dreams I had ... they were good and godly things ... things I was convinced God put on my heart. But I'm continuing to learn that I can't get too attached to my dreams. Dream. Yes, I should dream! God wants us to live for Him, make plans to glorify Him (and live 'em out!) ... but He doesn't want us to get so caught up in what we're doing that we forget about Him ... or maybe we're not so much forgetting about Him but rather living in an attitude of "there is no other way but this one that I'm walking in." God wants us to be ready and willing to do what He asks, the moment He asks it ... whether it's what WE had planned or what we thought HE had planned. "Follow Me. And the disciples immediately left their nets and followed Him." .... And I think God wants to teach us some things in the process. Ha! Let's take the "I think" out of there, shall we? ... God wants to teach us some things in the process. He needs to break us of our own wills. He wants our attitude to be one of "not my will, but yours, Lord." And He wants us to REALLY MEAN IT! ... He wants our passions to be His passions. He wants to see what we're gonna do when He allows trials into our lives. When He says, "No." ... or "Wait." He wants to grow us. And ... I know, for me, the only way for God to grow me is for Him to break me. Because I'm way too stubborn. I'm way too selfish.
Whew. Waiting is the toughest thing ever. Having dreams taken away .... or perhaps put on hold for a while .... is difficult. And difficult is an understatement. But the lessons learned. Oh ... the lessons learned! .... Growing hurts. But the end result is so worth while. I'm not even to the end of the growing process yet, and I'm already getting a glimpse of the result. Our God is faithful. Keep trusting in Him. I know I am. :)
2 comments:
Yes, yes, yes!
Something better.
It's not about getting what we want, or even about the pain going away.
It's about God teaching us through the pain, about God breaking us of that "gimme!" mentality.
It goes from being "gimme what I want or gimme novacaine or somethin'"
to "give me YOUR heart, God, give me YOUR eyes, YOUR hands, YOUR feet."
And this is how we find joy. Peace. Contentment. The ability to love others and to be loved.
In short, Life, abundantly.
Love in Christ,
*A
Hey Mical,
I can kinda relate to this as I went through a similar thing eralier this year. I had this dream abot girl I knew for a couple of years and I took it and blew it up and then the dream didn't come true. Now I realize that I need to surrender those desires to the Lord before I get lost in MY desires.
I think it's neat that you are able to be so transparent about your struggles.
Hans
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